lest I forget

I've a loving family..loving relatives who care (it's just that I don't really tell them how I really feel hah)..though we might not meet much..these are blessings that not everyone has..

Haha lately it seems I've been reminded of what I'm good at/ my positive traits by others (who do it unknowingly)..and thank God for these reminders cause I've been thinking actually does it really matter if I'm here or not hahaa okay I know it sounds morbid but just putting my honest thoughts out here okay & cause one of the things that has been on my mind is that I'm a v boring person cause I hardly travel but I guess it's because past travel exp have shown me that I don't necessarily feel happier overseas; I have felt my happiest and most relaxed in SG and hence don't see the need to travel..haha it's possible that I see the most beautiful scenery/ go somewhere I've always wanted to go to and yet not feel happy and that'd be a shame right haha guess there's an element of fear there..cause been there done that..mmmm unearthing the feelings that made me the way I am......

Anyway, the reminders have been:

- gamemaster

- don't take plastic bags when I dabao/ buy groceries

- can converse in dialect

- gentle (in my grandfather's eyes ah..hahha which surprised me kinda cause the incident which happened in 2015 def didn't give that impression haha but I guess this again shows that it's really possible to put smth big behind completely and not harbour any negative feelings towards the people involved)

- enjoy coding/ learnt how to code on my own..enjoy creating and figuring out how things work

Thank You God for reminding me that I am special.. :')

🌪️

https://twloha.com/blog/untimely-depression-and-the-guilt-that-goes-along-with-it/

Wah..so I'm not alone..

- those who've (overly) high expectations of themselves/ are perfectionists are the ones most prone to depression

- mental health >>>> impt than physical health..if I had to choose, I'd rather be mentally healthy than physically healthy..

- if there's any +ve that came out of these 2 years, it's that I truly understand what it's like..

Honestly haven't really been okay.....feels like I made a big mistake I shouldn't have made....and I think it's really when I feel unmotivated that the mistakes abound.. :(((((( may God's grace abound in this time too.........

I'm so sorry God.......don't even know how I'm gonna move on from here.......only You can..

---
His answer to me..in an article I came across..

My grace is sufficient for you. — 2 Corinthians 12:9

Whatever you face — temptations, trials, opposition — God will give you His grace, and His grace will be sufficient for you to overcome.

+

Read smth I wrote in my notes last Apr..

"When you don't do it, just come back to Me and know my love once again. Don't fret (be constantly or visibly anxious) about it."

PLUS I don't need to worry "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." — Philippians 2:13

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;  for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
- Psalm 103:13‭-‬14 NIV

Dear God, help me act wisely (and courageously).

"Like a shepherd, the Lord longs to protect you, provide for you, guide you, rescue you, and comfort you..

Our good Shepherd longs to have His goodness and love… follow [us] all the days of [our] life. — Psalm 23:6" 💛

- https://www.faithgateway.com/the-hope-of-jesus

🎢

Yes, yes it's possible.

To go all the way down, and then go high up, and then down again......but it can go up again..! Life's a rollercoasterrrrr.

Think 2018 & 2019 = years of trial and error.

"Don't let failure go to your heart and don't let success go to your head"

Dear God, help me remember this. On the bright side, good to learn this (first part last year, 2nd part this year) early on. Haha painful lessons for both but yeah probably necessary for the future.

---
Changes the past few months:
- no longer think people can be categorized by MBTI

- no longer have the desire to go to Somalia......& thus...

(fighting against my own ambivalence)

- no longer feel the need to have 1 rest day where I don't go out at all?? In fact I can't remember when I last stayed home the entire day without feeling bored at all......

---
"Every master was once a beginner"

Beginner's mindset!

"Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you. Not the worst."

Amen. Dear God, help me do it again, this time, with so much more self-control than before. With Your wisdom and grace. Let anger, bitterness, doubt and pride not take root no matter what happens.

"There are those who think themselves called to humility by the Christian faith, and by this understand that to mean adopting a life of oppression, humiliation, and suffering. There are those who think that because they are called to be humble, they must remain under the rule of violent and oppressive spouses, bosses, and rulers, who think that anything but demure self-effacement is to violate their calling to humility.

But this is not humility!"

Lesson to learn.....hmmmmm..

----
Something must be wrong if the fluctuations happen way too often..right? I wish I'm stronger than this..but smth in me tells me that I've already been so strong.........I'm just tired..haha I think I've been so impatient with myself..Just keep picking at the wound that hasn't healed..it takes time...it takes time.....

----
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:5 NIV

"..a conflict in which an individual is unable to control or influence circumstances. Typical human responses in such circumstances include frustration, bitterness, or anger, but the one who is guided by God's spirit accepts God's ability to direct events (Gal 5:23 ; Eph 4:2 ; Col 3:12 ; 1 Tim 6:11 ; Titus 3:2 ; James 1:21 ; 3:13). Meekness is therefore an active and deliberate acceptance of undesirable circumstances that are wisely seen by the individual as only part of a larger picture.

Meekness is not a resignation to fate, a passive and reluctant submission to events, for there is little virtue in such a response."

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

---

To feel excited waking up each morning - that must have been a luxury. Because up until now, I miss it so much. It was me for the first 4 months this year. And then it left. And I keep trying..trying..and trying to "get it back" but to no avail..and now I realise..it's not "normal" because most people don't feel that way......most days. And so I shouldn't expect so much......it's normal not to feel excited every day. It's completely normal. Don't push yourself so hard...just to recreate that feeling....feelings are deceptive......I'm just blessed to have had it for that period of time. Tho I really do miss having such a strong sense of purpose......God help me move on......can't go on like this......

Grace

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."
2 Corinthians 3:5 NIV

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again"...

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this same attitude in yourselves which was in Christ Jesus [look to Him as your example in selfless humility], who, although He existed in the form and unchanging essence of God [as One with Him, possessing the fullness of all the divine attributes—the entire nature of deity], did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped or asserted [as if He did not already possess it, or was afraid of losing it]; but emptied Himself [without renouncing or diminishing His deity, but only temporarily giving up the outward expression of divine equality and His rightful dignity] by assuming the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men [He became completely human but was without sin, being fully God and fully man].
PHILIPPIANS 2:3‭-‬7 AMP

"Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me"..

How can I claim to know of God's grace unless I demonstrate it myself? - question I've been asking myself. Dear God, help me live a life that shows Your grace.

---

爱了就别伪装
迷失了也别彷徨
不管未来怎样
你都要保持坚强

如果明天你的心
依然还在流浪
我愿意承受这份爱
陪着你
打造一片天地

我的世界从此以后多了一个你
每天都是一出戏
无论情节浪漫或多离奇
这主角
是你

我的世界从此以后多了一个你
有时天晴有时雨
阴天时候我会告诉你
我爱你
胜过彩虹的美丽

#Daddyslove :')

Carry Me, Daddy

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

Passion over all

🎆🌻

Living with God

 "While I am here, I will be a child at home with my God; the whole world shall be his house to me; and when I ascend into the upper chamber I shall not change my company, nor even change the house; I shall only go to dwell in the upper storey of the house of the Lord forever."

"Why?"

- because they can still be taught.

- because Pri school = foundation!! This is when they learn impt values like respect and integrity.

As the Bible says,

"Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6 AMPC

- because Pri school education is compulsory so there's a higher chance of reaching out to the marginalized (low income etc) here

- because I can tell them to help the poor and needy/ others in 3rd world countries in future!!

- because if I wanna change the world, I need to start with a group of people. And I can only do it with a group I'm comfortable being with. With a group I know I can connect with. With a group I naturally love. That's kids. (Cute/ innocent kids make me happy!) For some people, it might be adults. They can change the world by managing adults..as for me, I choose to do it through teaching. Okay la actually comedian also can but it only makes people happy..doesn't change character..haha

- because God is in the business of changing lives (to override the bad) and I'm just joining His business! I'm only helping Him, He is the one who changes people!

I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. - 1 Corinthians 3:6 NLT

Amen God make it grow in Your time 😌

And..

Whatever you do [whatever your task may be], work from the soul [that is, put in your very best effort], as [something done] for the Lord and not for men, knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [greatest] reward. It is the Lord Christ whom you [actually] serve. - Colossians 3:23‭-‬24 AMP

Hehe working for His business 😉💛

(Thank God for this revelation this year..used to not understand what it really means to be working for Him..but yeah https://mounthopechurch.org/gods-business-is-our-business! Heh)

💛

What are you gonna do if I say yes? Yes yes yes.
-
Too good to say goodbye.
---
One day..

workaway.info / unicef (Somalia!! "I belong to a different timezone"..yes heh)

My gosh. The thought of it.......makes it hard to sleeeeeppppppp

---

"People with the gift of teaching are consummate debaters. It is how they convince and help others to learn. It doesn’t matter if they are in the office or at home, people with the gift of teaching are constantly thinking on their feet. Teachers need to know the reasoning behind concepts or ideas. They do not take anything at face value. Teachers can appear argumentative while they are simply trying to gain further understanding.

They have the ability to synthesize ideas, which results in a constant mental flow of information. Since their mind is always running and exploring new concepts, they tend to be self-motivating and self-starters. People with the gift of teaching need intellectual stimulation. They easily get bored with routine tasks as they love to learn and keep their minds busy.

Teachers usually enjoy research and love the opportunity to share something they have learned. Depending on other dominant gifts working in a Teacher’s life, they tend to be talkative people when it comes to explaining beliefs or ideas. Teachers have an ability to make difficult concepts easy to understand. Their motivation is to help others learn and grow in understanding, skill, and competency.

Teachers tend to be gifted intellectually and often seek to become experts in their fields or specific subject areas. Their analytical skills often push them toward the higher level math and sciences. The ability to see patterns of behavior in situations allows them to diagnose or expose problems that others do not see."

- https://www.gifttest.org/gifts-explained/ hahaha no wonder ah 

And also..the more I read, the more I felt like could identify with everything..??

And I realised this is probably why:
"Like the Perceiver, the Ruler will give admonition and warning of upcoming situations. Like the Teacher, a Ruler will provide sound counsel and instructive reasoning to convince the people of the common goal. Like the Encourager, a Ruler will motivate and inspire others to achieve and succeed. Like a Server and Giver, a Ruler is very task driven and independent."

Hahaha think gift of ruling encompasses gift of admin over here.

--
INFJ PERSONALITY (“THE ADVOCATE”)

The INFJ personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. As Diplomats, they have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is the accompanying Judging (J) trait – INFJs are not idle dreamers, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.

Help Me Help You

INFJs indeed share a unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.

- Martin Luther King

Live to Fight Another Day

Really though, it is most important for INFJs to remember to take care of themselves. The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed. This becomes especially apparent when INFJs find themselves up against conflict and criticism – their sensitivity forces them to do everything they can to evade these seemingly personal attacks, but when the circumstances are unavoidable, they can fight back in highly irrational, unhelpful ways.

To INFJs, the world is a place full of inequity – but it doesn’t have to be. No other personality type is better suited to create a movement to right a wrong, no matter how big or small. INFJs just need to remember that while they’re busy taking care of the world, they need to take care of themselves, too.

:')

"..raising someone to be an independent, responsible and principled adult."

So true..this is what I want for Mabel..and my students 

- https//www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

I'm actually ISFJ though..but this completely resonated too..probably cause I'm in Phase 2 now..

Phase II (Late Teens-30s)

While the inferior function is not entirely dormant or inert in Phase I, the epic tug-of-war between the dominant and inferior does not come to the fore until Phase II. Once ISFJs’ dominant Si reaches a certain threshold of strength and dominance, their inferior function, Extraverted Intuition (Ne), begins to assert itself and play a more prominent role. This can be somewhat confusing since Ne is not next in line in ISFJs’ functional stack, but can be understood as deriving from its bipolar relationship with their dominant Si.

Phase II ISFJs also show increasing use and development of their Fe, allowing them to form and express judgments. They may even begin to tap into their tertiary function, Introverted Thinking (Ti), which serves to cross-check and refine their Fe judgments.

"Like other types seeking to integrate their inferior function, ISFJs must learn that integration does not occur through direct use or development of their Ne. Instead, they are wise to allow their Ne to remain rather unconscious, functioning passively in the background. This allows them to focus their time and energy on what they do best (Si and Fe), trusting that integration will occur naturally as they consistently and authentically function as ISFJs."

- https://personalityjunkie.com/isfj-type-profile

Hahahaha alright I have decided to I gotta stop using my N so that it would not keep getting stronger!!! No wonder always so tireddddd..doesn't come naturally to me actually..time for it to just fade into the background

Struggle isn't against flesh and blood

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
- Romans 12:17‭-‬21 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/rom.12.17-21.NLT

Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. For like grass, they soon fade away. Like spring flowers, they soon wither. Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land. Soon the wicked will disappear. Though you look for them, they will be gone. The lowly will possess the land and will live in peace and prosperity. The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance. But the Lord just laughs, for he sees their day of judgment coming. The wicked draw their swords and string their bows to kill the poor and the oppressed, to slaughter those who do right. But their swords will stab their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich. For the strength of the wicked will be shattered, but the Lord takes care of the godly. Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever. They will not be disgraced in hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough. But the wicked will die. The Lord ’s enemies are like flowers in a field— they will disappear like smoke. The wicked borrow and never repay, but the godly are generous givers. Those the Lord blesses will possess the land, but those he curses will die. The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
- Psalms 37:1‭-‬24 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.37.1-24.NLT

/hɑː(r)t/

"Regardless of what things appear to be or what our expectations demand of us, we are being invited to openly enjoy the anticipation of goodness.

1 Corinthians 13:12 tells us,

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

As He knew Sarah, God knows us, hears us, and says there is beauty to come." ♡

Recently, I've also been reminded of this verse..

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

---

"Our heart is made for a great drama, because it is a reflection of the Author of that story, the grand Heart behind all things."

---

Omgosh www.faithgateway.com/praying-example-susanna-wesley this reminds me of what a friend told me during finals period.."God gives the toughest battles to His toughest soldiers" yeaaaa 💪

---

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
Its the end of the world in my mind
Then Your voice pulls me back
Like a wake-up call

I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know, what I didn't know

Because You live and breathe
Because You make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live God
My world
Has twice as many stars in the sky

It's all right.
I survived.
I'm alive again
Cause of You, made it through every storm
What is life? What's the use?
If you're killing time

I'm so glad I found an answer
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I want to fly looking your eyes

Because You live and breathe
Because You make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because You live God
My world
Has twice as many stars in the sky

Because You live, I live

Because You live, there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what You've given me
Always

Because You live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live God
My world
Has twice as many stars in the sky

Because You live and breathe
Because You make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because You live God
My world
Has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live
I live

//8 years on and this still resonates haha 💛💛

(Omgosh blogger didn't save the whole post I typed out!!!! Why no autosaveeeee  Haha so here goes againnnnn)

Tonight..I felt sian about reading the bible and asked God to just talk to me..and He did..

Opened the FB app and saw https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2039108602993957&id=1611958019042353 God cries with me in my darkest moments :')))

And then..thir.st/blog/hold-on-to-the-rope/ “When you feel you can’t hold on to the rope any longer, that’s when God comes and wraps his hands around yours and helps you to hold onto that rope.” :')

And that's not all..
thir.st/blog/upside-down-logic-god/
God doesn’t call us to kingdom work because we have the best qualifications or skills. In the upside-down logic of our awesome God, He has “chosen the foolish things to confound the wise” (1 Corinthians 1:27)
Really related to this for far too often I had been thinking I'm not the best person to teach my class..

And after all of this I got reminded of an excerpt I saved in my notes long ago:

"When you say yes to God and join His cause, overnight you may go from running with the wind to running against the wind and not even know how or when the wind changed.

Knowing that we have an enemy is one thing. Finding yourself face-to-face with that enemy’s work is another. I won’t sugarcoat it.

Trials and storms will come to you. Obstacles will rise up. Challenges will multiply.

There is always a fight in the exchange zone. The enemy comes at us hard. His goal is to stop us!

Why? Because he has so much to lose. If he can persuade us to drop our batons, to stop running, imagine all the future handoffs and releases he would prevent. If he can tempt us to walk out of the race, not only will our spiritual lives grow stagnant but our influence in this world will diminish as well. If he can make us regret receiving one baton, he hopes we may not accept the next. If he can weaken one part of the body of Christ, he knows the whole body will suffer."

Such grace that God reminds me of all these despite me not willing to read His word..and yes even after the previous post there were still (many) moments I struggled..this term hasn't been smoothsailing too..in fact there were incidents again..but yes God has brought me through everything..

the root/ my weakness/ the thing God is trying to teach me?

It's been coming on and off - the thought that how what I'm feeling and how I'm behaving is similar to how I did in previous daunting experiences..I noticed a pattern..and yet I've never really put my finger on it or stopped to ponder about the root cause..I guess there have been answers (I've found/ I've been told) here and there..but I haven't really sat down to put it all together..now seems like the time to do so..even though I actually planned to write out my LP and submit it tonight..(yes the stress is real and consequently, my procrastination........which is my weakness too...)

• Feelings of inadequacy in previous experiences - cycling, SM - made me just wanna avoid it altogether..but SM duties (the bare minimum) were a weekly affair..I've thought that: never mind if I'm not good at these things..as long as I still can teach kids (about the only thing I thought I'm actually decent at), I'm not a failure.......but this notion or to put it more succinctly, this belief was challenged right from the beginning of the year..I never really realised how it became such an integral part of how I determined my self-worth..how it was actually a core belief within..which explains why my self-esteem was crushed so badly..each time a bad incident occurs, it dips and by the end of each week, I felt like a complete failure..and the reason why I constantly had to think of things I still could do to remind myself that I have other abilities..
• Sometime in Term 1 I came to the conclusion that God was teaching me about identity and grace (life-long process ah this one..haha)..and while identity is tied to self-worth, I think maybe the more accurate term to describe what I'm learning this season would be self-worth..I need to learn that even if God took away ALL my abilities (including the ones I think I still have for now), I am NOT a failure (I learnt that it's okay to fail..but it's one thing to think that way..and another to believe that you are a failure..) and I still have worth, simply because I am His..this is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around..OMGOSH..I THINK..I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE CORE..I HAVE FINALLY REALISED WHAT IT IS GOD HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME..
  
  As I said, there have been answers here and there..but the more I heard, the deeper I dug, somehow I felt more and more like it's my fault that things are the way it is..like the identity thing..I felt that it's my fault that I tied my identity to being a good teacher..and all the reminders of Prov 3:5-6 I've been seeing everywhere..and feeling like "yea I guess I'm not trusting enough..that's why I'm being tested.." and even the "Just wait" poem I read yesterday..and then God telling me/ me remembering that I said what gives me ultimate satisfaction is being close to God..it just made me feel worse..cause it seems like I failed to keep to my word..so basically everything just produced feelings of condemnation in me..but little did I know..that there was a part 2 to what God wants to say (which I didn't hear yesterday) because now that I reread it, the words that stand out to me are..
  
  "You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me
  You'd not know the depth of my love
  
  You'd never experience the fullness of love
  You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
  But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

So all along, God has just been trying to tell me He really loves me NO MATTER WHAT..that in His eyes, I am precious and of worth no matter what abilities I have or don't have..I really DON'T have to be good at doing what I am supposed to do (i.e. what I've always thought is my calling) for Him to think I am worthy..omgosh......I think..this is crazy. Crazy love. And thought 2: I think this will change the way I perceive others too..it is true..knowing God's love helps you love others too......

GOD SIMPLY WANTS ME TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. This season isn't meant to knock me down..it's just His way of showing me how much He loves by exposing the incorrect beliefs I held deep down..OMGOSH MINDBLOWN. HEARTBLOWN!!!!! God had to take away the one ability I never expected to lose (cause I didn't think he would do so if He called me to it..) so that He could teach me this lesson (and not in a fierce disciplinary way, like how the phrase is usually used)..

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

- 1 John 3:1

INDEED!!! And omgosh do you see..the word "called"....before I am called to be whoever God calls me to be (which can differ depending on His plans), I am called His child first. And that's a fact that will never change. My calling is always to be a child of God. My calling is always to know His love first. My calling is to be loved by God first. No other calling is as important as this one. Everything else is secondary (that's why the term 'secondary calling')..wah..........THIS IS CRAY!! Things you thought you knew..but perhaps haven't really understood deep within..this..this is what God does..this..this is the business God is in..unearthing things that shouldn't be in your soul, just so you know the DEPTH of His love..every time a little deeper..you thought you knew..but God has a way of showing you a deeper dimension..omgosh..thank You God....for loving me the way You do......

At the end of the day, God just wants to help me be closer to Him by knowing His love..and help me keep my word..cause He knows it is indeed true that I am ultimately satisfied by being close to Him..and the times I feel better..and then beaten down again (and begging God to release me from this pain..)..this cycle will just keep repeating as long as I think my self-worth is tied to my ability to fulfill the calling I think He has for me..

The lesson now is not "God is strong and good and I am weak and terrible" (though that's also true..we are all but sinners)..the lesson is not meant to condemn me..and crush my soul..

Omgoodness..suddenly remembering the words of Eph 3..

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

- Eph 3:18-19 (NLT)

It..is this simple. The purpose of life..is to know His love..

"God created you not mainly to do things for him, but to delight in him. The more we enjoy God, the more he is honored, and our very purpose in life is fulfilled." 

Things to help

• God knows what I'll be at the end of Term 2, at the end of this year, at the end of this bond. He is in control of all things..He knows how it'll all end..He knows all that I feel. He has it ALL planned out, unlike me. Haha which is good..He already knows what's gonna happen next week..
• Stop thinking of how I'm gonna do everything I need to to do..just one day at a time is enough..if that's the best I can do, it's enough.

• Being prepared really helps to reduce the anxiety..and enables me to have a positive frame of mind..

• Even the best have to relearn things..things they used to be good at can be the same things they have trouble doing after a while..so so what if I think I was better during contract? Cause I think by the end of Term 1 that time at least things were better than they are not? BUT PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR and it applies to EVERYONE.
  
• Told mummy about the thought process in the previous post and she asked "Then what's the best that can happen?" Smth which I didn't really focus on..my answer..
• I can manage my class well every day, the kids listen and don't misbehave..
• I believe in myself again
• I teach them well
• I ENJOY IT EVERYDAY
• I get to show them God's love everyday and do it like it's my calling!
• Think about the good that happened in class - though I push it out often because I feel it's not enough..cause I think it doesn't mean that when there's good, the class would behave better the next day..because I still failed..day in and out..but there was good..and sometime during the term I did make it a point to list them down on my phone/ in my journal..but towards the end I guess I just felt like such a failure cause one term down and things didn't seem to be picking up..but let's see...
• Friday started out alright..got the kids who were playing in the toilet to stand in the front and warned them sternly..
• Class photo-taking..the boys and girls wanted me to stand on "their" side..
• K and E helped at the end of the day to clean the class..
• Holidays - saw J when I was out (really just wanted to hide) and some others in school..all called my name really loudly???
• thought of the times I praised J..even though she refused to greet last Wed (???)..she did the actions for the school song nicely..she helped with the plug when I was having trouble with it..and every time I call for ICT leaders she comes running..

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Lol I typed a few paras but accidentally deleted everything and cause there's no undo button here it's all gone!!

But anyway. Gist is. I've really thought long and hard about it. Worst case scenario: I get fired. And like I told a few close friends, I'd rather that happen to me than the lives of those young ones be shortchanged cause of my ineptitude. And I'd then be free to do smth else. I'd have learnt. But having said that I don't want this to be an excuse not to do my best in other areas while I still can. It's just that stressing about it now doesn't help at all.

"Sorting thoughts out.
If I fail, I fail. So be it. I'd get up, I'll do smth else. No amount of stressing/ worrying about it will provide me with any soln. So forget it! Just gonna do what I can..!"

So for now..just go out there and enjoy the meetings..enjoy every moment I can..and thank God for every moment of joy and clarity!

//things I've bought after waiting for a long time:
- specs
- laptop
- printer
- laceless kicks

//I've been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it's a shame that I'm sinking/ wins again
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant
So you (I) try to fill it in

You say "I could fix the broken in your heart
You're worth saving, darling"
But I don't know why you're shooting in the dark
I got faith in nothing (of myself)

But love, pray for me
Pray for me
I know I need somebody
So I can learn

I know it's been a while
Cause my memory's on trial
For the way I used to be
My head is running miles
Round in circles and I try
To find the little light in me

如果觉得自己不好怎么办
如果一直很negative怎么办
一直stressed
一直吃

很久没九点过后吃东西了
有压力时 就不会follow写给自己的reminders..

"No junk/ oily food! Protect my throat and skin! No cough 🙏  and no constipation!"

"Junk food is bad for the liver! And skin!!
And will cause hair loss!! Too much MSG! 🙅"

:( Seems like I really don't care about my health..??

I feel sad.........Tuesday is ending..and I don't want it to..feeling the burden on my shoulders..God.....bring me out of this..how do I escape reality? I can't escape forever..and I dislike it. I really dislike feeling stuck.......

Thought I was getting better..but I'm feeling this way again..maybe cause I feel like there's just so much I've to do if I wanna get the class back in order..and I'm afraid I'd forget what I need to do..the worst is I don't even know exactly what I have to do....and I don't know if it will work..and it's making me very stressed. So I don't wanna do it. And then there's still the lesson plans apart from that..feels like there are too many things. :((((((( overwhelmed = I wanna escape..sorry God but can I not do it anymore?

I'm so upset but I don't know how to tell anyone about it..who's gonna understand? Guess I feel lonely too in that sense..I don't wanna be a constant burden to family and friends..people who've had to be my listening ears ever since I started work..but thank You that You're always listening....but God I can't do it if I don't know how to do it......this is frustrating.....

AHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!#+###$!"+$8!$;$"

IM UPSET UPSET UPSET!!!!

At least if it were assignments/ FYP that I was stressed about, at the back of my head I knew I'd know how to do it and I'd still be able to deliver..but now I don't!!!! I've asked many people..and I still HAVE NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA DO IT!!! As someone who always needs a plan I think this is precisely why I'm feeling the way I am..so lost..and so annoyed with myself..and the most stressful part is that poor classroom management carries over..last time even if I don't do well for one assignment I can always just try harder for the next one..now it's so different.. :((( if I don't do well for one LP, I can try again..but if I don't manage the class well..there is the residual effect....and it also stresses me that so many young lives are being affected......

"Kids believe in the impossible"..which means they'll believe that the class can be quiet again? That things would be much better? They'll believe in me? They'll believe I can teach?

I don't see how it's gonna be possible if I have no clue on how to do it though..God give me inspiration and wisdom...😢😭😭😭 I can't do it..I really can't..I need to know the practical steps that WILL be effective..that I can do..I don't wanna worry/ stress about managing the class again..it's emotionally draining..seriously..and it's so needlessly time-consuming..I should be spending my time enjoying this break and coming up with good lesson plans..

Sigh..whatever negative emotion one can possible feel about oneself I've probably felt it over these few months..disappointed. Which translates to 失望..literally lost hope..😪

//Also realised why I think I'm not suitable to teach my own class PE this time..Cause things are really very different now..

1. Diff level. P3 and P2 really diff ball game..Dynamics really change in P3 cause of the merging of classes..
2. Diff expectations. Now there are proper lesson plans and it's not just simple running or skipping anymore..and I can't do PE games like how I used to..like ice and water..and there was nobody to really monitor..
3. Diff number of periods!!! I kept thinking how come last time I did it also but didn't complain as much but now I'm so tired..it's because last time PE was only on Mon and Fri and only 3 periods in total..now got 5..and it's Mon Tues Wed
4. Diff number of students..last time I think I didn't even have a whistle?? And I definitely didn't use a mic as well..20 vs 32..

So apart from preparing for the norm EMSS lessons, I also need to look through PE LP and prep for them and that stresses me out so bad cause I've no idea how to even do what I need to teach and always need to consult a trained PE teacher for help but sometimes she explain the LP to me I still don't understand 😩 and cause of that it affects the quality of the PE lessons and my ability to manage the class during that time..and then it affects their behaviour in my other lessons also..so instead of spending time to prep for EMSS I spend more time worrying about their behaviour and how to manage.....so  being unable to fully focus on planning on the core subjects affects the quality of these lessons..which affects their behaviour in class..which makes me stressed again and induces thoughts that I'm not a good teacher..and this vicious cycle repeats....

💇/ restarting

I usually get a haircut every June but decided to get it earlier this year cause my hair was getting too heavy for my liking..probably cause I didn't ask for any "shape" when I got it the last time..

But..today wasn't a very pleasant experience..the auntie was so angsty and was so rough with my scalp and hair..combing hard and all..🙁

Lessons learnt from today:
- never cut hair on weekend (crowded) and nearing CNY period (the constant CNY songs playing in the background..like how 299 does at home..omtian..)
- cut hair somewhere else..maybe at the hair salon on 3rd floor..and get a hairwash too../ admiralty overhead bridge/ 888 plaza..would probably be quieter too..

Also..been looking through my old notes..those I wrote in 2013 to see how I used to manage during contract teaching..thank God these can still be accessed via my email..realized how I used to do my weekly LP..

And I realised I didn't actually keep a record of what I should do on the first few days of school..been thinking about it..so I wrote a list for my future reference..things I should have done in retrospect..

If I can restart everything, I'd...

- state rules, without consequences..(because once I say it I need to follow through!!!! THE MOST IMPT THING IS BEING CONSISTENT WITH WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO..if not will lose their respect..(and lose respect for myself too 😕😕😕) which is what has happened after 5 weeks.....tho my kids would shout my name when they see me outside class.....)
- ‎State routines ("when I enter & leave" slides..)
- ‎model and practise routines..(incl get someone to stand in front while I call out when the person is talking..)
- ‎hold off points system for as long as poss!!!! Immediately becomes extrinsic...

Before day 1
Put up class rules, routines, group roles, "What have I learnt?" chart

Day 1
Bring: All about me, recycled/ coloured construction papers, scissors, tape
- temp taking (if needed)
- ‎give out intro letters..
- ‎write all about me
- ‎self-intro (fill in seating arrangement)
- ‎number the groups
- ‎state group roles,‎ get them to number themselves in their groups - #1: GM etc..
- ‎Collect TB, WB, files & ex books (spelling & journal) - ensure their names are on it.
- ‎journal: my December holidays
- ‎write names on recycled paper
- ‎Assign lockers, paste names on lockers..
- Teach ‎CA!!!

Day 2
- review rules and routines
- collect pupil forms
- ‎start on Big Book/ unit 1 (never mind if I do it wrongly..at least the class gets through the whole book without being distracted..that's the most impt)
- practise walking in line

//on hindsight, it's always said that cutting hair = new/ fresh beginnings..haha maybe that's what I subconsciously want too..

//amazing how I never lost my voice during contract teaching even after all that shouting..but lost it within 1.5 weeks of starting work this time lol was so frustrated at myself but I guess I gotta let it go and just thank God it's back now....

//19 feb edit. Recently I figured out why I really wanted out so badly. Cause I was so disillusioned. When nothing turned out the way I wanted it to. When I felt like I could no longer make an impact - the very reason I decided to teach..and when I found it so difficult to enjoy teaching..as opposed to how I used to feel.. -- core beliefs about myself and my dreams were challenged

First week..

状况连连..

Day 1 - stomachache in the morn cause I was way too nervous the night before (cause I haven't taught a full class for 2.5 years and was so afraid I'd be rusty 😥) and barely slept..prayed and thank God for healing me in time cause I had to report by 7.10 and only left school at 4..few and short breaks in between..end of day feels: madness. Exhausted.

Day 2 - left eye got really swollen and I thought I wouldn't be able to open it when I woke up..entire area around it hurt..thank God for the strength to still get up, show up & go on cause had to reach by 7.10 as well and there was contact time after school..gobbled down lunch in 5min & got a bit of heartburn..even fewer & shorter breaks..ended class at 2.30 and had to rush for contact time at 2.45..after staff meeting there was a teacher who came to talk to me for a while..and I couldn't even look at her cause it'll hurt if I look straight instead of down..only left around 6..was so tired and upset cause I felt it was so unfair that the person who I replaced in the staff duty list was always in the staffroom and didn't even seem that busy? + someone said based on the old timetable a lot of people were underquota while there I was, a newbie, with so many periods and hardly time to catch a breather/ do impt stuff like lesson planning..didn't help that friends seemed to be doing okay in their new schools..with time to deco classroom/ getting notes from students/ being able to leave early and prep for lessons at home. Felt utterly zombiefied at the end of the day (& alternative career choices crossed my mind..social media manager..director..actress..blogshop model (lol)..housewife) and teared up a bit at home..decided I had to sleep really early so my eye will get better + I will feel less terrible emotionally..真的透支了..

Day 3 - had to reach even earlier for traffic light duty..but couldn't get a vest in time and decided to go to the duty venue first cause safety is impt..and found that there was already someone there..prayed so desperately during class cause I didn't know what to do with my class at times..after school I thought I could finally do some proper lesson planning but there was induction (delayed by a week cause had to wait for everyone to be free..)..didn't have time for lunch cause classes ended at 2 and it started at 2.15 (spare time was used to put stuff back in staffroom) and could only leave at 5plus..came home and had 3 servings for dinner (bad for body :( the slide about the importance of breakfast we had to show the kids flashed in my head so many times..and sadly I wasn't following it..supposed to eat the least for din but it's the opposite for me..) also was determined to still do some work albeit seriously needing sleep + eye haven't fully recovered..so I did a bit.

Day 4 - thought I could finally have a longer break to print my lesson resources and prepare more thoroughly but realised I had to be there for FTGP + suddenly had to meet RO and there went my break..ended up being cranky and wasn't able to manage my class properly..and my kids went out of control 😢 身心疲惫..kept thinking of how this is not contract/ practicum anymore & I really wanna plan better lessons for my kids and they deserve so much more from me but I couldn't do it during this week cause I wasn't in the right state to..guess there's a lot of self-blame & self-imposed expectations..

Came home and had to tell myself to give myself a break cause it IS hard..drastic change in body clock..adjusting to new environment..new colleagues (think this is smth I'm (overly) worried about cause based on past experiences people can be really fake/ mean 😕😔)..new expectations..new responsibilities..new pupils..plus I'm the only one who just grad from NIE in my school..so people might not understand how tough the transition is..esp for this week..when I need to begin teaching a new level but I've no prior lesson plans/ resources to fall back on unlike the rest..but have no time to do them also cause of meetings/ admin matters (printing/ collecting stuff/ replying impt messages from colleagues/ parents)..don't even have time to eat lol..and it's tough being an introvert but having to interact with people for such long periods (being in school for 10 hours on average daily is just really draining)..come back home still got to try to prepare for the next day & endure 299's loud CNY music..so I've been pretty sleep-deprived this week & the lack of sleep had me being super absentminded, easily irritable, developing a swell on my eyelid (cause wear contacts too long also but pain 😢) + sore throat. Only through God's grace and strength that I've survived the week..

Home alone

Pros:
- ‎no unnecessary loud noises (loud music, house phone ringing, people talking loudly/ shouting, TV, fan whirring)/ smells
- ‎get to have my alone time & decide when I wanna interact with people = no need to entertain unnecessary qns (from my bro lol) & unexpected visitors
- less angsty cause I get to recharge
- ‎no guilt when I need to be alone & away from people at home
- ‎less clutter + smaller space to clean so I'd be more inclined to do it
- ‎probably won't be staying near students (no stalkerish incidents)

Cons:
- longer travelling time + daily (unnec) transport fare
- ‎it's a pain walking under the rain for this distance..unless..I grab/ Uber..haha

Whar I've learnt:
- Bare minimum I need to bring out: SPECS (can't emphasize this enough cause on more than 1 occasion I have lived like all I see is bokeh everywhere (pretty cool but I also realized not wearing my glasses for long periods of time + using my phone = a sure recipe for a headache) ‎but why didn't I learn my lesson? Because..refer to below), retainers, CHARGER, sunblock & deo (last 2 if I'd be sleeping over at Semb & heading out the next day)
- ‎how to cook rice without a rice cooker (thanks Google)

So since last Fri, I've been shuttling between the 2 houses..and I realised I've been pretty busy!! Lol

Mon: had lunch at coffeeshop, bought groceries, washed bro's clothes, swept & mopped floor, went back to semb to have dinner + pack remaining necessities
Tues: cooked lunch & dinner
Thurs: lunch with Mag @ Chalong, dessert @ V Cafe, shopped around till dinner with Sacha & Cheryl
Fri: practised a bit of cycling in the morn & got bruised lolz #25andclumsier went back to semb to celebrate birthday with family, watched God's compass while waiting for mummy to be back lol the celebration only started at 10+ tho cause she only came back at that time from church camp so I stayed for the night
Sat: came back to admiralty to prep for a friend's wedding (lol when you already brought what you need here.....) and went out (again lol) and after that mummy said she'd be cooking dinner at semb so I went back to semb after the wedding + got to check my packages from Zalora (and found that one of them wasn't really what I expected..) so after dinner, went to sun plaza to return the parcel + took bus back to admiralty..
Sun: walked to church, had lunch, came back to admiralty, napped, did housework, exercised, watched TV (The China singing competition + Pitch Perfect!!)
Mon: had the crazy idea to walk all the way back to semb (cause Google maps said it'd take 45min and I figured why not since I've the time today) in the afternoon (yes under the hot ☀)..went back cause I didn't feel like cooking/ getting food from downstairs (I'm very broke at this point lol) and....the journey actually took about an hour hahah but I actually made it!! Lol and realised that it was probably about 5km lol 🆗 workout for the day checked ✔ and I wanted to rest and nua for the rest of the day so I didn't go back to admiralty after dinner 😂
Tues: left the house around 4 to hunt for a housewarming gift for a friend..was hoping the rain would subside and stop when I wanted to go out but nope life doesn't always go the way you want it to lol so I went to 3 diff places when it was raining (had in mind to just walk to CWP but realised it wasn't such a good idea to do it when it was pouring so I ended up taking the bus thrice yesterday 😪), thought I would be coming back to admiralty but turns out it'd be harder to get back here from my friend's place so I shared a cab with Saman to Semb
Wed: was raining pretty much the whole day so even tho I had migraine from not having my specs, I didn't go to the new house when I woke up..only went in the evening and fainted as I was typing this..thank God Shirleen could come and get food for me..

(Typed on phone but didn't post..better post before I forget!! Gonna backdate this.)