the root/ my weakness/ the thing God is trying to teach me?

It's been coming on and off - the thought that how what I'm feeling and how I'm behaving is similar to how I did in previous daunting experiences..I noticed a pattern..and yet I've never really put my finger on it or stopped to ponder about the root cause..I guess there have been answers (I've found/ I've been told) here and there..but I haven't really sat down to put it all together..now seems like the time to do so..even though I actually planned to write out my LP and submit it tonight..(yes the stress is real and consequently, my procrastination........which is my weakness too...)

• Feelings of inadequacy in previous experiences - cycling, SM - made me just wanna avoid it altogether..but SM duties (the bare minimum) were a weekly affair..I've thought that: never mind if I'm not good at these things..as long as I still can teach kids (about the only thing I thought I'm actually decent at), I'm not a failure.......but this notion or to put it more succinctly, this belief was challenged right from the beginning of the year..I never really realised how it became such an integral part of how I determined my self-worth..how it was actually a core belief within..which explains why my self-esteem was crushed so badly..each time a bad incident occurs, it dips and by the end of each week, I felt like a complete failure..and the reason why I constantly had to think of things I still could do to remind myself that I have other abilities..
• Sometime in Term 1 I came to the conclusion that God was teaching me about identity and grace (life-long process ah this one..haha)..and while identity is tied to self-worth, I think maybe the more accurate term to describe what I'm learning this season would be self-worth..I need to learn that even if God took away ALL my abilities (including the ones I think I still have for now), I am NOT a failure (I learnt that it's okay to fail..but it's one thing to think that way..and another to believe that you are a failure..) and I still have worth, simply because I am His..this is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around..OMGOSH..I THINK..I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE CORE..I HAVE FINALLY REALISED WHAT IT IS GOD HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME..
  
  As I said, there have been answers here and there..but the more I heard, the deeper I dug, somehow I felt more and more like it's my fault that things are the way it is..like the identity thing..I felt that it's my fault that I tied my identity to being a good teacher..and all the reminders of Prov 3:5-6 I've been seeing everywhere..and feeling like "yea I guess I'm not trusting enough..that's why I'm being tested.." and even the "Just wait" poem I read yesterday..and then God telling me/ me remembering that I said what gives me ultimate satisfaction is being close to God..it just made me feel worse..cause it seems like I failed to keep to my word..so basically everything just produced feelings of condemnation in me..but little did I know..that there was a part 2 to what God wants to say (which I didn't hear yesterday) because now that I reread it, the words that stand out to me are..
  
  "You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me
  You'd not know the depth of my love
  
  You'd never experience the fullness of love
  You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
  But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

So all along, God has just been trying to tell me He really loves me NO MATTER WHAT..that in His eyes, I am precious and of worth no matter what abilities I have or don't have..I really DON'T have to be good at doing what I am supposed to do (i.e. what I've always thought is my calling) for Him to think I am worthy..omgosh......I think..this is crazy. Crazy love. And thought 2: I think this will change the way I perceive others too..it is true..knowing God's love helps you love others too......

GOD SIMPLY WANTS ME TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. This season isn't meant to knock me down..it's just His way of showing me how much He loves by exposing the incorrect beliefs I held deep down..OMGOSH MINDBLOWN. HEARTBLOWN!!!!! God had to take away the one ability I never expected to lose (cause I didn't think he would do so if He called me to it..) so that He could teach me this lesson (and not in a fierce disciplinary way, like how the phrase is usually used)..

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

- 1 John 3:1

INDEED!!! And omgosh do you see..the word "called"....before I am called to be whoever God calls me to be (which can differ depending on His plans), I am called His child first. And that's a fact that will never change. My calling is always to be a child of God. My calling is always to know His love first. My calling is to be loved by God first. No other calling is as important as this one. Everything else is secondary (that's why the term 'secondary calling')..wah..........THIS IS CRAY!! Things you thought you knew..but perhaps haven't really understood deep within..this..this is what God does..this..this is the business God is in..unearthing things that shouldn't be in your soul, just so you know the DEPTH of His love..every time a little deeper..you thought you knew..but God has a way of showing you a deeper dimension..omgosh..thank You God....for loving me the way You do......

At the end of the day, God just wants to help me be closer to Him by knowing His love..and help me keep my word..cause He knows it is indeed true that I am ultimately satisfied by being close to Him..and the times I feel better..and then beaten down again (and begging God to release me from this pain..)..this cycle will just keep repeating as long as I think my self-worth is tied to my ability to fulfill the calling I think He has for me..

The lesson now is not "God is strong and good and I am weak and terrible" (though that's also true..we are all but sinners)..the lesson is not meant to condemn me..and crush my soul..

Omgoodness..suddenly remembering the words of Eph 3..

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

- Eph 3:18-19 (NLT)

It..is this simple. The purpose of life..is to know His love..

"God created you not mainly to do things for him, but to delight in him. The more we enjoy God, the more he is honored, and our very purpose in life is fulfilled."