Things to help

• God knows what I'll be at the end of Term 2, at the end of this year, at the end of this bond. He is in control of all things..He knows how it'll all end..He knows all that I feel. He has it ALL planned out, unlike me. Haha which is good..He already knows what's gonna happen next week..
• Stop thinking of how I'm gonna do everything I need to to do..just one day at a time is enough..if that's the best I can do, it's enough.

• Being prepared really helps to reduce the anxiety..and enables me to have a positive frame of mind..

• Even the best have to relearn things..things they used to be good at can be the same things they have trouble doing after a while..so so what if I think I was better during contract? Cause I think by the end of Term 1 that time at least things were better than they are not? BUT PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR and it applies to EVERYONE.
  
• Told mummy about the thought process in the previous post and she asked "Then what's the best that can happen?" Smth which I didn't really focus on..my answer..
• I can manage my class well every day, the kids listen and don't misbehave..
• I believe in myself again
• I teach them well
• I ENJOY IT EVERYDAY
• I get to show them God's love everyday and do it like it's my calling!
• Think about the good that happened in class - though I push it out often because I feel it's not enough..cause I think it doesn't mean that when there's good, the class would behave better the next day..because I still failed..day in and out..but there was good..and sometime during the term I did make it a point to list them down on my phone/ in my journal..but towards the end I guess I just felt like such a failure cause one term down and things didn't seem to be picking up..but let's see...
• Friday started out alright..got the kids who were playing in the toilet to stand in the front and warned them sternly..
• Class photo-taking..the boys and girls wanted me to stand on "their" side..
• K and E helped at the end of the day to clean the class..
• Holidays - saw J when I was out (really just wanted to hide) and some others in school..all called my name really loudly???
• thought of the times I praised J..even though she refused to greet last Wed (???)..she did the actions for the school song nicely..she helped with the plug when I was having trouble with it..and every time I call for ICT leaders she comes running..

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Lol I typed a few paras but accidentally deleted everything and cause there's no undo button here it's all gone!!

But anyway. Gist is. I've really thought long and hard about it. Worst case scenario: I get fired. And like I told a few close friends, I'd rather that happen to me than the lives of those young ones be shortchanged cause of my ineptitude. And I'd then be free to do smth else. I'd have learnt. But having said that I don't want this to be an excuse not to do my best in other areas while I still can. It's just that stressing about it now doesn't help at all.

"Sorting thoughts out.
If I fail, I fail. So be it. I'd get up, I'll do smth else. No amount of stressing/ worrying about it will provide me with any soln. So forget it! Just gonna do what I can..!"

So for now..just go out there and enjoy the meetings..enjoy every moment I can..and thank God for every moment of joy and clarity!

//things I've bought after waiting for a long time:
- specs
- laptop
- printer
- laceless kicks

//I've been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it's a shame that I'm sinking/ wins again
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant
So you (I) try to fill it in

You say "I could fix the broken in your heart
You're worth saving, darling"
But I don't know why you're shooting in the dark
I got faith in nothing (of myself)

But love, pray for me
Pray for me
I know I need somebody
So I can learn

I know it's been a while
Cause my memory's on trial
For the way I used to be
My head is running miles
Round in circles and I try
To find the little light in me

如果觉得自己不好怎么办
如果一直很negative怎么办
一直stressed
一直吃

很久没九点过后吃东西了
有压力时 就不会follow写给自己的reminders..

"No junk/ oily food! Protect my throat and skin! No cough 🙏  and no constipation!"

"Junk food is bad for the liver! And skin!!
And will cause hair loss!! Too much MSG! 🙅"

:( Seems like I really don't care about my health..??

I feel sad.........Tuesday is ending..and I don't want it to..feeling the burden on my shoulders..God.....bring me out of this..how do I escape reality? I can't escape forever..and I dislike it. I really dislike feeling stuck.......

Thought I was getting better..but I'm feeling this way again..maybe cause I feel like there's just so much I've to do if I wanna get the class back in order..and I'm afraid I'd forget what I need to do..the worst is I don't even know exactly what I have to do....and I don't know if it will work..and it's making me very stressed. So I don't wanna do it. And then there's still the lesson plans apart from that..feels like there are too many things. :((((((( overwhelmed = I wanna escape..sorry God but can I not do it anymore?

I'm so upset but I don't know how to tell anyone about it..who's gonna understand? Guess I feel lonely too in that sense..I don't wanna be a constant burden to family and friends..people who've had to be my listening ears ever since I started work..but thank You that You're always listening....but God I can't do it if I don't know how to do it......this is frustrating.....

AHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!#+###$!"+$8!$;$"

IM UPSET UPSET UPSET!!!!

At least if it were assignments/ FYP that I was stressed about, at the back of my head I knew I'd know how to do it and I'd still be able to deliver..but now I don't!!!! I've asked many people..and I still HAVE NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA DO IT!!! As someone who always needs a plan I think this is precisely why I'm feeling the way I am..so lost..and so annoyed with myself..and the most stressful part is that poor classroom management carries over..last time even if I don't do well for one assignment I can always just try harder for the next one..now it's so different.. :((( if I don't do well for one LP, I can try again..but if I don't manage the class well..there is the residual effect....and it also stresses me that so many young lives are being affected......

"Kids believe in the impossible"..which means they'll believe that the class can be quiet again? That things would be much better? They'll believe in me? They'll believe I can teach?

I don't see how it's gonna be possible if I have no clue on how to do it though..God give me inspiration and wisdom...😢😭😭😭 I can't do it..I really can't..I need to know the practical steps that WILL be effective..that I can do..I don't wanna worry/ stress about managing the class again..it's emotionally draining..seriously..and it's so needlessly time-consuming..I should be spending my time enjoying this break and coming up with good lesson plans..

Sigh..whatever negative emotion one can possible feel about oneself I've probably felt it over these few months..disappointed. Which translates to 失望..literally lost hope..😪

//Also realised why I think I'm not suitable to teach my own class PE this time..Cause things are really very different now..

1. Diff level. P3 and P2 really diff ball game..Dynamics really change in P3 cause of the merging of classes..
2. Diff expectations. Now there are proper lesson plans and it's not just simple running or skipping anymore..and I can't do PE games like how I used to..like ice and water..and there was nobody to really monitor..
3. Diff number of periods!!! I kept thinking how come last time I did it also but didn't complain as much but now I'm so tired..it's because last time PE was only on Mon and Fri and only 3 periods in total..now got 5..and it's Mon Tues Wed
4. Diff number of students..last time I think I didn't even have a whistle?? And I definitely didn't use a mic as well..20 vs 32..

So apart from preparing for the norm EMSS lessons, I also need to look through PE LP and prep for them and that stresses me out so bad cause I've no idea how to even do what I need to teach and always need to consult a trained PE teacher for help but sometimes she explain the LP to me I still don't understand 😩 and cause of that it affects the quality of the PE lessons and my ability to manage the class during that time..and then it affects their behaviour in my other lessons also..so instead of spending time to prep for EMSS I spend more time worrying about their behaviour and how to manage.....so  being unable to fully focus on planning on the core subjects affects the quality of these lessons..which affects their behaviour in class..which makes me stressed again and induces thoughts that I'm not a good teacher..and this vicious cycle repeats....