Sandra's blog

如果觉得自己不好怎么办
如果一直很negative怎么办
一直stressed
一直吃

很久没九点过后吃东西了
有压力时 就不会follow写给自己的reminders..

"No junk/ oily food! Protect my throat and skin! No cough 🙏  and no constipation!"

"Junk food is bad for the liver! And skin!!
And will cause hair loss!! Too much MSG! 🙅"

:( Seems like I really don't care about my health..??

I feel sad.........Tuesday is ending..and I don't want it to..feeling the burden on my shoulders..God.....bring me out of this..how do I escape reality? I can't escape forever..and I dislike it. I really dislike feeling stuck.......

Thought I was getting better..but I'm feeling this way again..maybe cause I feel like there's just so much I've to do if I wanna get the class back in order..and I'm afraid I'd forget what I need to do..the worst is I don't even know exactly what I have to do....and I don't know if it will work..and it's making me very stressed. So I don't wanna do it. And then there's still the lesson plans apart from that..feels like there are too many things. :((((((( overwhelmed = I wanna escape..sorry God but can I not do it anymore?

I'm so upset but I don't know how to tell anyone about it..who's gonna understand? Guess I feel lonely too in that sense..I don't wanna be a constant burden to family and friends..people who've had to be my listening ears ever since I started work..but thank You that You're always listening....but God I can't do it if I don't know how to do it......this is frustrating.....

AHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!#+###$!"+$8!$;$"

IM UPSET UPSET UPSET!!!!

At least if it were assignments/ FYP that I was stressed about, at the back of my head I knew I'd know how to do it and I'd still be able to deliver..but now I don't!!!! I've asked many people..and I still HAVE NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA DO IT!!! As someone who always needs a plan I think this is precisely why I'm feeling the way I am..so lost..and so annoyed with myself..and the most stressful part is that poor classroom management carries over..last time even if I don't do well for one assignment I can always just try harder for the next one..now it's so different.. :((( if I don't do well for one LP, I can try again..but if I don't manage the class well..there is the residual effect....and it also stresses me that so many young lives are being affected......

"Kids believe in the impossible"..which means they'll believe that the class can be quiet again? That things would be much better? They'll believe in me? They'll believe I can teach?

I don't see how it's gonna be possible if I have no clue on how to do it though..God give me inspiration and wisdom...😢😭😭😭 I can't do it..I really can't..I need to know the practical steps that WILL be effective..that I can do..I don't wanna worry/ stress about managing the class again..it's emotionally draining..seriously..and it's so needlessly time-consuming..I should be spending my time enjoying this break and coming up with good lesson plans..

Sigh..whatever negative emotion one can possible feel about oneself I've probably felt it over these few months..disappointed. Which translates to 失望..literally lost hope..😪

//Also realised why I think I'm not suitable to teach my own class PE this time..Cause things are really very different now..

1. Diff level. P3 and P2 really diff ball game..Dynamics really change in P3 cause of the merging of classes..
2. Diff expectations. Now there are proper lesson plans and it's not just simple running or skipping anymore..and I can't do PE games like how I used to..like ice and water..and there was nobody to really monitor..
3. Diff number of periods!!! I kept thinking how come last time I did it also but didn't complain as much but now I'm so tired..it's because last time PE was only on Mon and Fri and only 3 periods in total..now got 5..and it's Mon Tues Wed
4. Diff number of students..last time I think I didn't even have a whistle?? And I definitely didn't use a mic as well..20 vs 32..

So apart from preparing for the norm EMSS lessons, I also need to look through PE LP and prep for them and that stresses me out so bad cause I've no idea how to even do what I need to teach and always need to consult a trained PE teacher for help but sometimes she explain the LP to me I still don't understand 😩 and cause of that it affects the quality of the PE lessons and my ability to manage the class during that time..and then it affects their behaviour in my other lessons also..so instead of spending time to prep for EMSS I spend more time worrying about their behaviour and how to manage.....so  being unable to fully focus on planning on the core subjects affects the quality of these lessons..which affects their behaviour in class..which makes me stressed again and induces thoughts that I'm not a good teacher..and this vicious cycle repeats....