Today I teared when I watched my ex-students (now P6) performing on stage. Is it cause:
1. I recall the good times we had tgt (some of the best memories I had)
2. I didn't get to keep to my word of having a class performance with them
3. How things have changed..and they no longer treat me like they used to..
I guess it's a combination of everything..watching them today reminded me of how I watched them rehearse for the CNY celebration in 2019 (cause they wanted me to be there)..they may never know this but they truly impacted me more than they think.
One sweet girl from that class got me to sign on her PE shirt that she brought to school today. The rest of the signatures belonged to her friends. Honoured that she wanted a parting "souvenir" from me.
Ah 3A.
I keep wondering if I'd have been able to teach them well for 2 years if things didn't go awry..to be honest, I think I would have. Sad that so much happened and affected me so much emotionally and mentally. I suffered and so did my kids.
For the first 7/8 months I hardly shouted at them. And we were so close. But by the 2nd semester I wasn't planning my lessons properly cause I wasn't exactly in a good mental space. And so the dynamics started changing. It showed. They got noisier and I felt like I was losing control. My kids started misbehaving a lot..I remember once I got one of them to stay back to talk to him after school cause he ..and he begrudgingly told me "you shouted"..it broke me on the inside..I wanna be the teacher who never raises my voice to gain control..but I failed. I told my kids I was having a hard time. But they were too young to understand. Perhaps they never will. And will just remember me as the teacher who failed to keep to her word and didn't walk the talk. I told them not to shout but I did it.
Maybe I never really forgave myself for that. Today when I saw that same boy he didn't really want to talk to me. Made me think he's still upset about what happened though I apologized. How I wish he knows I am too.
Am I in a better space now mentally? I guess. But I have questions I don't have answers to. I exist without knowing my specific purpose/ calling in life. I thought I knew, but I thought wrong. In a bid to try to keep it out of my mind, I told myself all I wanna do is to teach better next year. Without a care for anything else. Just teach well for 1 year and see where it leads me. Hopefully I won't have to go through all the drama and office politics again. I'll ask to leave the school if it happens. And this time, I'll stand firm on my decision.