the root/ my weakness/ the thing God is trying to teach me?

It's been coming on and off - the thought that how what I'm feeling and how I'm behaving is similar to how I did in previous daunting experiences..I noticed a pattern..and yet I've never really put my finger on it or stopped to ponder about the root cause..I guess there have been answers (I've found/ I've been told) here and there..but I haven't really sat down to put it all together..now seems like the time to do so..even though I actually planned to write out my LP and submit it tonight..(yes the stress is real and consequently, my procrastination........which is my weakness too...)

• Feelings of inadequacy in previous experiences - cycling, SM - made me just wanna avoid it altogether..but SM duties (the bare minimum) were a weekly affair..I've thought that: never mind if I'm not good at these things..as long as I still can teach kids (about the only thing I thought I'm actually decent at), I'm not a failure.......but this notion or to put it more succinctly, this belief was challenged right from the beginning of the year..I never really realised how it became such an integral part of how I determined my self-worth..how it was actually a core belief within..which explains why my self-esteem was crushed so badly..each time a bad incident occurs, it dips and by the end of each week, I felt like a complete failure..and the reason why I constantly had to think of things I still could do to remind myself that I have other abilities..
• Sometime in Term 1 I came to the conclusion that God was teaching me about identity and grace (life-long process ah this one..haha)..and while identity is tied to self-worth, I think maybe the more accurate term to describe what I'm learning this season would be self-worth..I need to learn that even if God took away ALL my abilities (including the ones I think I still have for now), I am NOT a failure (I learnt that it's okay to fail..but it's one thing to think that way..and another to believe that you are a failure..) and I still have worth, simply because I am His..this is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around..OMGOSH..I THINK..I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE CORE..I HAVE FINALLY REALISED WHAT IT IS GOD HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME..
  
  As I said, there have been answers here and there..but the more I heard, the deeper I dug, somehow I felt more and more like it's my fault that things are the way it is..like the identity thing..I felt that it's my fault that I tied my identity to being a good teacher..and all the reminders of Prov 3:5-6 I've been seeing everywhere..and feeling like "yea I guess I'm not trusting enough..that's why I'm being tested.." and even the "Just wait" poem I read yesterday..and then God telling me/ me remembering that I said what gives me ultimate satisfaction is being close to God..it just made me feel worse..cause it seems like I failed to keep to my word..so basically everything just produced feelings of condemnation in me..but little did I know..that there was a part 2 to what God wants to say (which I didn't hear yesterday) because now that I reread it, the words that stand out to me are..
  
  "You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me
  You'd not know the depth of my love
  
  You'd never experience the fullness of love
  You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
  But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

So all along, God has just been trying to tell me He really loves me NO MATTER WHAT..that in His eyes, I am precious and of worth no matter what abilities I have or don't have..I really DON'T have to be good at doing what I am supposed to do (i.e. what I've always thought is my calling) for Him to think I am worthy..omgosh......I think..this is crazy. Crazy love. And thought 2: I think this will change the way I perceive others too..it is true..knowing God's love helps you love others too......

GOD SIMPLY WANTS ME TO KNOW JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. This season isn't meant to knock me down..it's just His way of showing me how much He loves by exposing the incorrect beliefs I held deep down..OMGOSH MINDBLOWN. HEARTBLOWN!!!!! God had to take away the one ability I never expected to lose (cause I didn't think he would do so if He called me to it..) so that He could teach me this lesson (and not in a fierce disciplinary way, like how the phrase is usually used)..

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

- 1 John 3:1

INDEED!!! And omgosh do you see..the word "called"....before I am called to be whoever God calls me to be (which can differ depending on His plans), I am called His child first. And that's a fact that will never change. My calling is always to be a child of God. My calling is always to know His love first. My calling is to be loved by God first. No other calling is as important as this one. Everything else is secondary (that's why the term 'secondary calling')..wah..........THIS IS CRAY!! Things you thought you knew..but perhaps haven't really understood deep within..this..this is what God does..this..this is the business God is in..unearthing things that shouldn't be in your soul, just so you know the DEPTH of His love..every time a little deeper..you thought you knew..but God has a way of showing you a deeper dimension..omgosh..thank You God....for loving me the way You do......

At the end of the day, God just wants to help me be closer to Him by knowing His love..and help me keep my word..cause He knows it is indeed true that I am ultimately satisfied by being close to Him..and the times I feel better..and then beaten down again (and begging God to release me from this pain..)..this cycle will just keep repeating as long as I think my self-worth is tied to my ability to fulfill the calling I think He has for me..

The lesson now is not "God is strong and good and I am weak and terrible" (though that's also true..we are all but sinners)..the lesson is not meant to condemn me..and crush my soul..

Omgoodness..suddenly remembering the words of Eph 3..

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

- Eph 3:18-19 (NLT)

It..is this simple. The purpose of life..is to know His love..

"God created you not mainly to do things for him, but to delight in him. The more we enjoy God, the more he is honored, and our very purpose in life is fulfilled." 

Things to help

• God knows what I'll be at the end of Term 2, at the end of this year, at the end of this bond. He is in control of all things..He knows how it'll all end..He knows all that I feel. He has it ALL planned out, unlike me. Haha which is good..He already knows what's gonna happen next week..
• Stop thinking of how I'm gonna do everything I need to to do..just one day at a time is enough..if that's the best I can do, it's enough.

• Being prepared really helps to reduce the anxiety..and enables me to have a positive frame of mind..

• Even the best have to relearn things..things they used to be good at can be the same things they have trouble doing after a while..so so what if I think I was better during contract? Cause I think by the end of Term 1 that time at least things were better than they are not? BUT PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR and it applies to EVERYONE.
  
• Told mummy about the thought process in the previous post and she asked "Then what's the best that can happen?" Smth which I didn't really focus on..my answer..
• I can manage my class well every day, the kids listen and don't misbehave..
• I believe in myself again
• I teach them well
• I ENJOY IT EVERYDAY
• I get to show them God's love everyday and do it like it's my calling!
• Think about the good that happened in class - though I push it out often because I feel it's not enough..cause I think it doesn't mean that when there's good, the class would behave better the next day..because I still failed..day in and out..but there was good..and sometime during the term I did make it a point to list them down on my phone/ in my journal..but towards the end I guess I just felt like such a failure cause one term down and things didn't seem to be picking up..but let's see...
• Friday started out alright..got the kids who were playing in the toilet to stand in the front and warned them sternly..
• Class photo-taking..the boys and girls wanted me to stand on "their" side..
• K and E helped at the end of the day to clean the class..
• Holidays - saw J when I was out (really just wanted to hide) and some others in school..all called my name really loudly???
• thought of the times I praised J..even though she refused to greet last Wed (???)..she did the actions for the school song nicely..she helped with the plug when I was having trouble with it..and every time I call for ICT leaders she comes running..

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Lol I typed a few paras but accidentally deleted everything and cause there's no undo button here it's all gone!!

But anyway. Gist is. I've really thought long and hard about it. Worst case scenario: I get fired. And like I told a few close friends, I'd rather that happen to me than the lives of those young ones be shortchanged cause of my ineptitude. And I'd then be free to do smth else. I'd have learnt. But having said that I don't want this to be an excuse not to do my best in other areas while I still can. It's just that stressing about it now doesn't help at all.

"Sorting thoughts out.
If I fail, I fail. So be it. I'd get up, I'll do smth else. No amount of stressing/ worrying about it will provide me with any soln. So forget it! Just gonna do what I can..!"

So for now..just go out there and enjoy the meetings..enjoy every moment I can..and thank God for every moment of joy and clarity!

//things I've bought after waiting for a long time:
- specs
- laptop
- printer
- laceless kicks

//I've been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it's a shame that I'm sinking/ wins again
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant
So you (I) try to fill it in

You say "I could fix the broken in your heart
You're worth saving, darling"
But I don't know why you're shooting in the dark
I got faith in nothing (of myself)

But love, pray for me
Pray for me
I know I need somebody
So I can learn

I know it's been a while
Cause my memory's on trial
For the way I used to be
My head is running miles
Round in circles and I try
To find the little light in me

如果觉得自己不好怎么办
如果一直很negative怎么办
一直stressed
一直吃

很久没九点过后吃东西了
有压力时 就不会follow写给自己的reminders..

"No junk/ oily food! Protect my throat and skin! No cough 🙏  and no constipation!"

"Junk food is bad for the liver! And skin!!
And will cause hair loss!! Too much MSG! 🙅"

:( Seems like I really don't care about my health..??

I feel sad.........Tuesday is ending..and I don't want it to..feeling the burden on my shoulders..God.....bring me out of this..how do I escape reality? I can't escape forever..and I dislike it. I really dislike feeling stuck.......

Thought I was getting better..but I'm feeling this way again..maybe cause I feel like there's just so much I've to do if I wanna get the class back in order..and I'm afraid I'd forget what I need to do..the worst is I don't even know exactly what I have to do....and I don't know if it will work..and it's making me very stressed. So I don't wanna do it. And then there's still the lesson plans apart from that..feels like there are too many things. :((((((( overwhelmed = I wanna escape..sorry God but can I not do it anymore?

I'm so upset but I don't know how to tell anyone about it..who's gonna understand? Guess I feel lonely too in that sense..I don't wanna be a constant burden to family and friends..people who've had to be my listening ears ever since I started work..but thank You that You're always listening....but God I can't do it if I don't know how to do it......this is frustrating.....

AHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!#+###$!"+$8!$;$"

IM UPSET UPSET UPSET!!!!

At least if it were assignments/ FYP that I was stressed about, at the back of my head I knew I'd know how to do it and I'd still be able to deliver..but now I don't!!!! I've asked many people..and I still HAVE NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA DO IT!!! As someone who always needs a plan I think this is precisely why I'm feeling the way I am..so lost..and so annoyed with myself..and the most stressful part is that poor classroom management carries over..last time even if I don't do well for one assignment I can always just try harder for the next one..now it's so different.. :((( if I don't do well for one LP, I can try again..but if I don't manage the class well..there is the residual effect....and it also stresses me that so many young lives are being affected......

"Kids believe in the impossible"..which means they'll believe that the class can be quiet again? That things would be much better? They'll believe in me? They'll believe I can teach?

I don't see how it's gonna be possible if I have no clue on how to do it though..God give me inspiration and wisdom...😢😭😭😭 I can't do it..I really can't..I need to know the practical steps that WILL be effective..that I can do..I don't wanna worry/ stress about managing the class again..it's emotionally draining..seriously..and it's so needlessly time-consuming..I should be spending my time enjoying this break and coming up with good lesson plans..

Sigh..whatever negative emotion one can possible feel about oneself I've probably felt it over these few months..disappointed. Which translates to 失望..literally lost hope..😪

//Also realised why I think I'm not suitable to teach my own class PE this time..Cause things are really very different now..

1. Diff level. P3 and P2 really diff ball game..Dynamics really change in P3 cause of the merging of classes..
2. Diff expectations. Now there are proper lesson plans and it's not just simple running or skipping anymore..and I can't do PE games like how I used to..like ice and water..and there was nobody to really monitor..
3. Diff number of periods!!! I kept thinking how come last time I did it also but didn't complain as much but now I'm so tired..it's because last time PE was only on Mon and Fri and only 3 periods in total..now got 5..and it's Mon Tues Wed
4. Diff number of students..last time I think I didn't even have a whistle?? And I definitely didn't use a mic as well..20 vs 32..

So apart from preparing for the norm EMSS lessons, I also need to look through PE LP and prep for them and that stresses me out so bad cause I've no idea how to even do what I need to teach and always need to consult a trained PE teacher for help but sometimes she explain the LP to me I still don't understand 😩 and cause of that it affects the quality of the PE lessons and my ability to manage the class during that time..and then it affects their behaviour in my other lessons also..so instead of spending time to prep for EMSS I spend more time worrying about their behaviour and how to manage.....so  being unable to fully focus on planning on the core subjects affects the quality of these lessons..which affects their behaviour in class..which makes me stressed again and induces thoughts that I'm not a good teacher..and this vicious cycle repeats....

💇/ restarting

I usually get a haircut every June but decided to get it earlier this year cause my hair was getting too heavy for my liking..probably cause I didn't ask for any "shape" when I got it the last time..

But..today wasn't a very pleasant experience..the auntie was so angsty and was so rough with my scalp and hair..combing hard and all..🙁

Lessons learnt from today:
- never cut hair on weekend (crowded) and nearing CNY period (the constant CNY songs playing in the background..like how 299 does at home..omtian..)
- cut hair somewhere else..maybe at the hair salon on 3rd floor..and get a hairwash too../ admiralty overhead bridge/ 888 plaza..would probably be quieter too..

Also..been looking through my old notes..those I wrote in 2013 to see how I used to manage during contract teaching..thank God these can still be accessed via my email..realized how I used to do my weekly LP..

And I realised I didn't actually keep a record of what I should do on the first few days of school..been thinking about it..so I wrote a list for my future reference..things I should have done in retrospect..

If I can restart everything, I'd...

- state rules, without consequences..(because once I say it I need to follow through!!!! THE MOST IMPT THING IS BEING CONSISTENT WITH WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO..if not will lose their respect..(and lose respect for myself too 😕😕😕) which is what has happened after 5 weeks.....tho my kids would shout my name when they see me outside class.....)
- ‎State routines ("when I enter & leave" slides..)
- ‎model and practise routines..(incl get someone to stand in front while I call out when the person is talking..)
- ‎hold off points system for as long as poss!!!! Immediately becomes extrinsic...

Before day 1
Put up class rules, routines, group roles, "What have I learnt?" chart

Day 1
Bring: All about me, recycled/ coloured construction papers, scissors, tape
- temp taking (if needed)
- ‎give out intro letters..
- ‎write all about me
- ‎self-intro (fill in seating arrangement)
- ‎number the groups
- ‎state group roles,‎ get them to number themselves in their groups - #1: GM etc..
- ‎Collect TB, WB, files & ex books (spelling & journal) - ensure their names are on it.
- ‎journal: my December holidays
- ‎write names on recycled paper
- ‎Assign lockers, paste names on lockers..
- Teach ‎CA!!!

Day 2
- review rules and routines
- collect pupil forms
- ‎start on Big Book/ unit 1 (never mind if I do it wrongly..at least the class gets through the whole book without being distracted..that's the most impt)
- practise walking in line

//on hindsight, it's always said that cutting hair = new/ fresh beginnings..haha maybe that's what I subconsciously want too..

//amazing how I never lost my voice during contract teaching even after all that shouting..but lost it within 1.5 weeks of starting work this time lol was so frustrated at myself but I guess I gotta let it go and just thank God it's back now....

//19 feb edit. Recently I figured out why I really wanted out so badly. Cause I was so disillusioned. When nothing turned out the way I wanted it to. When I felt like I could no longer make an impact - the very reason I decided to teach..and when I found it so difficult to enjoy teaching..as opposed to how I used to feel.. -- core beliefs about myself and my dreams were challenged

First week..

状况连连..

Day 1 - stomachache in the morn cause I was way too nervous the night before (cause I haven't taught a full class for 2.5 years and was so afraid I'd be rusty 😥) and barely slept..prayed and thank God for healing me in time cause I had to report by 7.10 and only left school at 4..few and short breaks in between..end of day feels: madness. Exhausted.

Day 2 - left eye got really swollen and I thought I wouldn't be able to open it when I woke up..entire area around it hurt..thank God for the strength to still get up, show up & go on cause had to reach by 7.10 as well and there was contact time after school..gobbled down lunch in 5min & got a bit of heartburn..even fewer & shorter breaks..ended class at 2.30 and had to rush for contact time at 2.45..after staff meeting there was a teacher who came to talk to me for a while..and I couldn't even look at her cause it'll hurt if I look straight instead of down..only left around 6..was so tired and upset cause I felt it was so unfair that the person who I replaced in the staff duty list was always in the staffroom and didn't even seem that busy? + someone said based on the old timetable a lot of people were underquota while there I was, a newbie, with so many periods and hardly time to catch a breather/ do impt stuff like lesson planning..didn't help that friends seemed to be doing okay in their new schools..with time to deco classroom/ getting notes from students/ being able to leave early and prep for lessons at home. Felt utterly zombiefied at the end of the day (& alternative career choices crossed my mind..social media manager..director..actress..blogshop model (lol)..housewife) and teared up a bit at home..decided I had to sleep really early so my eye will get better + I will feel less terrible emotionally..真的透支了..

Day 3 - had to reach even earlier for traffic light duty..but couldn't get a vest in time and decided to go to the duty venue first cause safety is impt..and found that there was already someone there..prayed so desperately during class cause I didn't know what to do with my class at times..after school I thought I could finally do some proper lesson planning but there was induction (delayed by a week cause had to wait for everyone to be free..)..didn't have time for lunch cause classes ended at 2 and it started at 2.15 (spare time was used to put stuff back in staffroom) and could only leave at 5plus..came home and had 3 servings for dinner (bad for body :( the slide about the importance of breakfast we had to show the kids flashed in my head so many times..and sadly I wasn't following it..supposed to eat the least for din but it's the opposite for me..) also was determined to still do some work albeit seriously needing sleep + eye haven't fully recovered..so I did a bit.

Day 4 - thought I could finally have a longer break to print my lesson resources and prepare more thoroughly but realised I had to be there for FTGP + suddenly had to meet RO and there went my break..ended up being cranky and wasn't able to manage my class properly..and my kids went out of control 😢 身心疲惫..kept thinking of how this is not contract/ practicum anymore & I really wanna plan better lessons for my kids and they deserve so much more from me but I couldn't do it during this week cause I wasn't in the right state to..guess there's a lot of self-blame & self-imposed expectations..

Came home and had to tell myself to give myself a break cause it IS hard..drastic change in body clock..adjusting to new environment..new colleagues (think this is smth I'm (overly) worried about cause based on past experiences people can be really fake/ mean 😕😔)..new expectations..new responsibilities..new pupils..plus I'm the only one who just grad from NIE in my school..so people might not understand how tough the transition is..esp for this week..when I need to begin teaching a new level but I've no prior lesson plans/ resources to fall back on unlike the rest..but have no time to do them also cause of meetings/ admin matters (printing/ collecting stuff/ replying impt messages from colleagues/ parents)..don't even have time to eat lol..and it's tough being an introvert but having to interact with people for such long periods (being in school for 10 hours on average daily is just really draining)..come back home still got to try to prepare for the next day & endure 299's loud CNY music..so I've been pretty sleep-deprived this week & the lack of sleep had me being super absentminded, easily irritable, developing a swell on my eyelid (cause wear contacts too long also but pain 😢) + sore throat. Only through God's grace and strength that I've survived the week..

Home alone

Pros:
- ‎no unnecessary loud noises (loud music, house phone ringing, people talking loudly/ shouting, TV, fan whirring)/ smells
- ‎get to have my alone time & decide when I wanna interact with people = no need to entertain unnecessary qns (from my bro lol) & unexpected visitors
- less angsty cause I get to recharge
- ‎no guilt when I need to be alone & away from people at home
- ‎less clutter + smaller space to clean so I'd be more inclined to do it
- ‎probably won't be staying near students (no stalkerish incidents)

Cons:
- longer travelling time + daily (unnec) transport fare
- ‎it's a pain walking under the rain for this distance..unless..I grab/ Uber..haha

Whar I've learnt:
- Bare minimum I need to bring out: SPECS (can't emphasize this enough cause on more than 1 occasion I have lived like all I see is bokeh everywhere (pretty cool but I also realized not wearing my glasses for long periods of time + using my phone = a sure recipe for a headache) ‎but why didn't I learn my lesson? Because..refer to below), retainers, CHARGER, sunblock & deo (last 2 if I'd be sleeping over at Semb & heading out the next day)
- ‎how to cook rice without a rice cooker (thanks Google)

So since last Fri, I've been shuttling between the 2 houses..and I realised I've been pretty busy!! Lol

Mon: had lunch at coffeeshop, bought groceries, washed bro's clothes, swept & mopped floor, went back to semb to have dinner + pack remaining necessities
Tues: cooked lunch & dinner
Thurs: lunch with Mag @ Chalong, dessert @ V Cafe, shopped around till dinner with Sacha & Cheryl
Fri: practised a bit of cycling in the morn & got bruised lolz #25andclumsier went back to semb to celebrate birthday with family, watched God's compass while waiting for mummy to be back lol the celebration only started at 10+ tho cause she only came back at that time from church camp so I stayed for the night
Sat: came back to admiralty to prep for a friend's wedding (lol when you already brought what you need here.....) and went out (again lol) and after that mummy said she'd be cooking dinner at semb so I went back to semb after the wedding + got to check my packages from Zalora (and found that one of them wasn't really what I expected..) so after dinner, went to sun plaza to return the parcel + took bus back to admiralty..
Sun: walked to church, had lunch, came back to admiralty, napped, did housework, exercised, watched TV (The China singing competition + Pitch Perfect!!)
Mon: had the crazy idea to walk all the way back to semb (cause Google maps said it'd take 45min and I figured why not since I've the time today) in the afternoon (yes under the hot ☀)..went back cause I didn't feel like cooking/ getting food from downstairs (I'm very broke at this point lol) and....the journey actually took about an hour hahah but I actually made it!! Lol and realised that it was probably about 5km lol 🆗 workout for the day checked ✔ and I wanted to rest and nua for the rest of the day so I didn't go back to admiralty after dinner 😂
Tues: left the house around 4 to hunt for a housewarming gift for a friend..was hoping the rain would subside and stop when I wanted to go out but nope life doesn't always go the way you want it to lol so I went to 3 diff places when it was raining (had in mind to just walk to CWP but realised it wasn't such a good idea to do it when it was pouring so I ended up taking the bus thrice yesterday 😪), thought I would be coming back to admiralty but turns out it'd be harder to get back here from my friend's place so I shared a cab with Saman to Semb
Wed: was raining pretty much the whole day so even tho I had migraine from not having my specs, I didn't go to the new house when I woke up..only went in the evening and fainted as I was typing this..thank God Shirleen could come and get food for me..

(Typed on phone but didn't post..better post before I forget!! Gonna backdate this.)

5 from 25

Five life lessons/ principles I've learnt from 25 years of living:

1. You gain some, you lose some.

Sounds quite sad but I was thinking..why does losing have to be negative? 2 negatives make a positive (thanks math) so..it isn't always bad! For eg you could lose sadness, lose your insecurities, lose your fears..you get the idea haha for someone who tends to feel like smth bad is gonna happen when I'm too happy..I've been telling myself that things are gonna be bad anyway..cause life is just full of ups & downs so..shouldn't be afraid to be happy! Haha

Besides..the converse is true too! You lose some, you gain some. So if you've lost smth..you're gonna gain smth else so it's okay hahah bottomline: just lose the worries and gain peace 🏖😎🤓

Another POV that can be extended from this is (& smth I believe in as well) - nobody has a perfect life. There'll always be areas that are bad when the rest are good and if someone seems to look like he/she has it altogether all the time, it's probably a front haha so no need to envy anyone! The grass is not greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.

2. Fear = False evidence appearing real.

Haha I think this is smth I'm still learning but I've seen how true this statement is this year..cause I conquered 2 big fears (2Cs)! Hahaha probably applied to the previous years of my life also la but for now the recent events are still quite fresh in my memory so yea wheeeeee gotta remember this principle + this testimony for years to come too..hahaha (sidenote: I've no idea why the Blogger app underlines random words in my post unnecessarily?? Lol)

3. Forgiveness is important. And powerful.

I've found that bearing grudges is very tiring..and doesn't make things any better. Life is short and it shouldn't be wasted on getting angry with people! Why give them the chance to control your emotions hahah so..it's always better to choose to forgive. By doing so, you can then truly move on. For me remembering 2 things help:

#1. While others hurt you, you've hurt others too.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Luke 6:41‭-‬42 NIV

#2. Deep down, everyone just wants to be loved. Because we were created to be.

The lyrics of one of my fav songs go: "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing.."

4. ‎Everything is temporary. Except God.

Achievements. Material things. Emotions. People. Good times. Bad times. These are all transient. (The people in your life might stay the same but they'd change over time too). Only God stays constant. Hahah gotta take it from Solomon, the guy who has so much wisdom and had everything you could possibly think of but felt like life's meaningless..and ended up realising and concluding that the purpose of life is to "fear God and obey his commands". But don't get it wrong - "fearing" here doesn't mean being scared of God hahha it's revering and respecting Him for who He is!

With regards to the unfailing love in the song lyrics..this is a kinda love that only God can give. Perhaps why Solomon mentioned the conclusion as the "foundation of all happiness" too.

"All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God's providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man."
Ecclesiastes 12:13 AMPC

5. It's important to take care of yourself.
If you're an introvert, really gotta intentionally disconnect from the world sometimes and just spend time alone to recharge.

If not..you're gonna be angsty and snappy 😕

Also tell yourself:
It's okay to fail ("so what?")
Change takes time
Be patient with yourself
Don't discredit any effort made

Haha yup so this is gonna be a reminder to myself in the future. Some things will probably have to be relearnt but that's okay! Progress isn't linear and what's most important is that we keep moving forward 😎

With regards to the first sentence on the previous post..hahah actually posted that after my very last paper..of my life (😯😮😱)

It's taken me a while to consolidate my thoughts and feelings about this journey cause I've been so busy even after finals ended..(a lot of transitions happened actually..)

Mon - last exam ever
Tues - (practising) cycling w sis
Wed - movie + dinner + dessert
Thurs - met my FYP prof at NIE in the morn + DG cycling + dinner + chill at chijmes (lol I was so exhausted but so overstimulated from all the activities the past few days that I couldn't sleep..which is why I thank God I could stay home on Fri)
Sat - attended wedding #5 of the year + moved to new place
Sun - church + tramp park + dinner

So..as I was leaving NIE for the very last time as a student last week, the feeling was..bittersweet.

To leave a place I've wanted to be in since I was in sec school..it's crazy to say the least and still feels surreal that I've actually done it. Really gotta thank God for sustaining me through every semester..and this sem has been one of the toughest yet with Cru recruitment at the start, 6 mods, completing FYP, SM duties, CDAC, cell + other social gatherings w friends..hahah it's a miracle my sanity is still intact despite being so mentally, emotionally and physically drained from not having enough alone time to recharge this sem (especially after recess week) haha BUT THEN somehow I still tinkled with this blogskin template till the wee hours of the morn (before recess week la haha) 🙃🙃🙃 felt good to work on smth unrelated to schoolwork and it made me realize how I can really devote hours to do smth I'm passionate about and sacrifice my sleep just to get it done hahah so yeah no regrets 😁 + found time to practise cycling when I had the energy to (lol people take driving test I take cycling test 😅)

Think I owe many thank yous to many people who have seen me through even before I started NIE - relief and then contract days..for all the people who had prayed for me, supported me, encouraged me in one way or another through this journey..thankful that God placed such people in my life 😌

Why ah?

So..today's the end of smth really impt but let's talk about smth I feel like I always don't really know how to answer fully..cause the answer is just too long..

"Why cannot sleep?"
Usually...it's because my mind is way too active..ideas abound at night and I'm usually mentally planning a lot of things..not always cause I'm stressed..I'm just a planner at heart haha

And my mind replays scenarios that happen during the day..automatically lol and the more that has happened during the day, the more overstimulated I get and the longer I take to fall asleep haha and sometimes scenarios are funny! So I end up chuckling to myself at 2am and typically take hours to really fall asleep..

https://introvertspring.com/introverts-strange-sleeping-disorder - every para is so relatable. SO TRUE!

Plus this semester I've had the crazy idea that I won't be able to stay up late to just surf social media in the future so I better cherish all the times I get to do so..even if it means sleeping late 😶

"Why always stomachache?"
IBS. Stress.

Lack of sleep makes my body stressed. And irregular mealtimes really take a toll on my body. Like if I ate at 11am yesterday but 7am today..chances of getting it are higher..so..you can imagine..with my crazy schedule this sem (late starts on Tues&Thurs but early classes on Mon&Wed&Fri)..I've had to deal with so many incidents of diarrhea..haha and I never take charcoal pills..whoops. Should probably get some soon

I'd also tend to get IBS if I eat diary products as my first meal of the day..or oily food. Intestines can't digest these in the morning 😅

Last sem feels/ NIE memories/ what I'll miss

- sitting in the canteen near the water cooler alone, just enjoying the solitude & the music from the western stall (gold 905fm is really gold 😌💛)
- ‎resting at my fav sleeping spot in NIE - UiD level - when it's quiet 😏 (sorry to everyone I've been annoyed at in this place..sleepy me is angsty me 😶)
- ‎Really pushing the limits by finishing an assignment at 5am/ starting one on the day itself..cray is me. (because last sem already..never try then never will get to try again right 😶 #onceisenough)
- ‎the rare times I was miraculously not stressed despite the amount of things I had to do (thank You God for keeping me sane)
- ‎Every single free day I had (super miss cause super precious to me (and rare this sem) 😢 those with free days every sem and super long weekends please count your blessings!!! Haha

What I won't miss:
- getting diarrhea multiple times a month and having sleepless nights
- ‎getting mozzie bites everywhere in school (Cru corner + NIE canteen 😪 so I've to carry insect repellent with me all the time)
- ‎rushing for 830 classes and just feeling like death every time..and praying that God would get me through the day (if you see me looking alive it's not coffee it's God hahaha)

What I've learnt in NIE:
- To eat dark green vege
- To eat spicy food
Thanks to friends who tell me "you teach Health Education how can don't eat vege" 😪 pri school teacher so many obligations 😂

Things I should be thankful for

• Bro always sends messages with smiley faces..no temper anymore..an answered prayer..though now he's addicted to his shows..at least he has a good temper! And he peels prawns for me..and does the dishes for everyone..
• for the sanity of my family (because really..realising how real mental illness is really makes you thankful for how God has protected you and those around you..)
• ‎that WP is still here..that she's a happy and cute grandma..

Do you see?

Balaam’s donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand. The donkey bolted off the road into a field, but Balaam beat it and turned it back onto the road. Then the angel of the Lord stood at a place where the road narrowed between two vineyard walls. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord , it tried to squeeze by and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall. So Balaam beat the donkey again. Then the angel of the Lord moved farther down the road and stood in a place too narrow for the donkey to get by at all. This time when the donkey saw the angel, it lay down under Balaam. In a fit of rage Balaam beat the animal again with his staff. Then the Lord gave the donkey the ability to speak. “What have I done to you that deserves your beating me three times?” it asked Balaam. “You have made me look like a fool!” Balaam shouted. “If I had a sword with me, I would kill you!” “But I am the same donkey you have ridden all your life,” the donkey answered. “Have I ever done anything like this before?” “No,” Balaam admitted. Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the roadway with a drawn sword in his hand. Balaam bowed his head and fell face down on the ground before him.
Numbers 22:23‭-‬31 NLT

1. Animals see God more than humans do..makes me wonder what my little hamsters saw too..

2. Stubborn heart = stubborn eyes. We see only what we wanna see..God open my eyes too..

3. God can do anything. If my hamsters could talk..what would they say? Hahah

What has kept me going

Hiiiiiiii! Been so long..almost a month since the last update omgosh I miss this space..been wanting to post the lyrics that really really speak to me/ represent my life this period but I havent had the time/energy to do it..a lil lil bit of spare time now so.....here goes!!!!!

For the whole of crazy Sep..crazy cause I didn't get a break..

God above all the world in motion,
God above all my hopes and fears,
Well I don't care what the world throws at me now,
It's gonna be alright!

Cause I know my God saved the day,
And I know His word never fails,
And I know my God made a way for me,
It's gonna be alright!

--
During recess week:

You Got Me Workin' Day And Night
And I'll Be Workin'
From Sun Up To Midnight

You Got Me Workin' Workin' Day And Night
(Hold On)
You Got Me Workin' Workin' Day And Night
(I'm So Tired Tired Now)
You Got Me Workin' Workin' Day And Night
(Hold On)
You Got Me Workin' Workin' Day And Night

You = NIE

Haha cause of AE/FYP I was thinking about the number of research papers I've written these 2.5 years..

• Perceptions of Peer Feedback on Writing (2015) [2312 words]
• Language Acquisition and Development: Case Study of a 7;8 in Singapore (Group work) (2016) [3650 words]
• ‎Migrant Workers and Identity (Group work) (2016) [1980 words]
• ‎Parents' Attitudes and Perceptions Towards Singlish (Group work) (2016) [1998 words]
• ‎Sleep habits and child outcomes in Singaporean preschool children (2017) [3800 words]
• ‎Exploring Language Use and Receptive Vocabulary of a 2;5 year old Bilingual in Singapore (Pair work) (2017) [2085 words]
• ‎The Use of Contrastive Analysis as an Instructional Tool for the Teaching of Grammar at Upper Primary Levels (2017) [6480 words]

One more to add to the list at the end of the year hahah and I realised actually only 3 of them were solely written by me! Haha feels like more..but I guess that's cause those 3 are really rather long..

--
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

(what I found today..really reflects how I feel..the raindrops just keep falling..)

GDLL

Ahhhhhh

So thanks to the Wayback Machine..I found......

https://web.archive.org/web/20071007220928/http://sann.atspace.com:80/

https://web.archive.org/web/20070719064030/http://sann.atspace.com/games.html

https://web.archive.org/web/20061005012527/http://blessed.pretty-child.net:80/

My superrrrr old blogskins :') and some of the stuff in them actually still work :') including the screenshots here also just in case the archive site ceases to exist one day haha..so I'll still have something to look back on

4am thoughts..

Haha haven't slept cause..I woke up late today?

- my unbridled laughter is so loud it's crazy lol thank God for friends who accept me for who I am man..who else is gonna be okay with this level of siaoness haha

- found December club today!! Thank God for cute group mates during the mini amazing race today haha wanna write little notes for them when I'm leaving..

- googled the paradox of selfdeceit article I posted years ago here and came across this blog that included its excerpt too!! Anddddd the writer of the blog is Christian too!! ANDD she has a section on "why I believe"!! - major omgosh cause that's exactly what I thought of writing about before (the phrasing too!)!! So amazing to find such a like-minded person online!! Haha wow..

[Fri edit: omgosh..just read her (I'm assuming it's a her haha) About page and her last para..is totally me too..omtian..how on earth is there someone so similar!! pristinepondering.wordpress.com link is here by the way. Wah just amazed at how God created someone I can relate to online haha hi kindred spirit if you somehow happen to read this! 😁]

- HSM feels :') God pick me up like this too okay? Hahaha

- seems like I post at the end of every Thursday haha

- super thankful for my dear listening ear..ever supportive Pascal..😌

"I like to stay up late at night because it seems like the world just stops for a little bit & everything is at peace"

Counting blessings..

Week thus far has been pretty tiring..just as I was feeling quite sad about not clearing my sleep debt though I only have an afternoon class today, I got a random message from someone I knew from Cru (but wasn't close to) wishing me happy teacher's day haha so sweet that she actually took the time to message me and even offered to pray for me after that..haha made me think, "how do I know God is real? This is one of the ways..people showing God's love at times when you need it.." can't be a coincidence..haha thank You for loving me through people..was touched when she prayed for me over WhatsApp..just..grace in action :')

Another story..

So I've this mod with 2 compulsory textbooks to get but I didn't manage to get them at the start of the semester cause the sellers I approached sold the books to other people already..but thank God the tutor said he wouldn't need to use them the first few weeks (well actually he did get us to refer to them but thank God everyone else at my table brought the books and could share with me + he didn't fault anyone for not bringing) so I didn't have to worry about getting them..

Until recently the tutor mentioned this elearning assignment which I think requires the textbooks to complete so I had to buy them..but remember there wasn't any more on Carousell? Haha so I wasn't really expecting to find any when I searched again but lo and behold there was this girl selling it for $20!! Usual price $36.80 so..yea must be God!!! Haha and so..I managed to get the textbooks I need for almost half the price today..thank You for taking care of my needs..😌

Also thank God for the strength for classes yesterday morning..to take part in class discussions despite not sleeping enough on Tues night at all..only got home past 1030pm? 😪 And had trouble falling asleep though I was dead tired..had to wake up at 7 yesterday so yeah..it's a miracle I survived the super long day yesterday..! And managed to nap a bit at my fav sleeping spot in NIE after classes so I wouldn't be as zombified during CR..haha

So yess..counting all these blessings and remembering how God is taking care of me though I'm too tired to realise it sometimes..

-

"..private, reserved and self-conscious. This makes them difficult to really get to know, and their need for these qualities contributes to the guilt they often feel for not giving more of themselves to those they care about." - legit how I've been feeling lately..esp towards people who always care even though I don't have the energy to care for them as much as I'd like to..😔 God help me..gimme a bigger capacity + better sleep quality so I've the energy to be there for those around me!

When I don't "feel" Christian

Never let me go.
Never let me go.

Times when I feel like..I'm not as close to God..when I don't feel what I sing during praise and worship..like today..is God not there? Definitely not..so I was asking..where are You..where am I..

And God was (still is) carrying me..when I can't see God..maybe that's cause I'm being lifted..

So..never let me go God..despite whatever I feel/ think..

And train of thought #2:

What gives me comfort when I don't feel like I'm behaving like a Christian is how God knows me..completely. He knows every fear, every struggle..He knows my humanness. And He understands.

"I know you." - and that's enough.

Hi

So..this is strange. I don't usually do this haha but..I think I'm realizing how important personal stories are..not for my own sake but for others..(which kind of explains why I recently revived my dead IG haha surprise surprise! But also cause I felt like I needed to record that moment..cause like what I told a friend who knows how it's so uncharacteristic of me to post, "it's not gonna happen again..I'm never gonna have a final moment of my last summer break again 😢" hahahaha #dramaizme)

The link that I put on my IG profile is ymi.today haha in hopes that it'd lead people who randomly encounter my private profile to a place where they'd find their questions to life answered (cause..I've learnt that..the question everyone has but no one really bothers talking about is.."What's my purpose in life?")

But today..I'm gonna change it. To this blog. Cause a website like ymi is helpful but it's not gonna connect with y'all the same way my own stories would (not cause I'm better than the writers on that site but simply cause it's just different when you know the writer of what you're reading vs when you don't). I came across a blog today and was just reminded of..how I used to write like that on this blog..how I used to share my life through this space..and I guess over time..I withdrew because I got scared. I don't like sharing too much with too many people and that's the reason I hardly ever post personal stuff on my social media accounts. When this blogging thing started, you had to click on people's links to read what they had to say. So people had a choice. But now every post (on IG/FB) just pops out at you (i.e. inyoface lol) when you scroll through your feed and..haha I just feel uncomfortable making people go through what I share in that way..(cause what if they don't want to? What if they don't like it? Haha insecurities101)

But here's me. Haha and my dusty blog. Not sure who's gonna read this (other than the close few I might share this with) but thank God IG has this bio link option so..I feel better you're here by choice and not because you've to read this on your feed heh

So much to say (things I've been thinking about/ learning) but..right now at this moment..my thought is: why does time pass so quickly?? Wanted to work on my FYP but..haha the day is ending soon?? Too fast God..too fast. But thank You. For the fact that I'm even able to type this despite whatever I'm supposed to do. For helping me see the bigger perpsective.

So..to the world. Let's go. Link's gonna be up and welcome to my world.

P.S. dayre.me/sandrainbow for where I had been writing online the past few years (I guess writers never really quit writing haha we just find different platforms too do it heh) okay just went to read what I wrote hahahaha I'm so sorry it's gonna be so real..some of the posts are pure angst some superficial some talking about insignificant stuff and some reflective hahaha but okay doubt anyone will stalk everything soooo here it is!

JC study resources

Haha wah haven't updated this space in almost a year!! Haha so I was looking through my bookmark folders and checking if the links are still working..probably should have shared them long ago but..looks like those around me didn't need them hahaha anyway here are some of the websites I found useful during JC that are still functional!! :)

Math
https://collegemath.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/mf-15.pdf - online MF15 for easy ref hahaha

Chemistry
http://www.chemguide.co.uk - super useful! It was my go-to whenever I couldn't understand what was taught in school hahaha

http://www.chembuddy.com/?left=pH-calculation-questions&right=pH-of-mixture-q1

http://www.sparknotes.com/chemistry/acidsbases/phcalc/section1.html

Biology
http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/dl/free/0072437316/120060/ravenanimation.html - "View full color, dynamic animations to help you visualize key biological processes.

You have the ability to control the animation by turning on or off the narration, playing the animation with or without text, and can start, stop, or rewind the animation to any point you choose."

http://www.jci.org/articles/view/20800#SEC2

General Paper (GP)
http://unpan1.un.org/intradoc/groups/public/documents/APCITY/UNPAN002726.pdf

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/18/technology/18link.html?_r=1&ex=1361163600&en=7e1482fcbf01bc65&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Technology was a common essay question topic so yup haha hope all these are useful to you if you happen to find this page!! :)