https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIJNn5ANaXV/

31 May. Been sick for a week and imylc.

Someone asked me how I am today. I haven't replied cause I haven't really sorted my emotions out. So here I am.

Met my RO who couldn't give me an absolute answer if I'd be promoted next year. It's been 6 years. He said P said it's not right and would check with HR if I'm still not promoted. Nice to know but..doesn't P always decide who gets promoted? Don't they know the promotion list long before it's out? I guess I'll only have my answers when I get to talk to him.

And then after school, during the dept meeting, I felt very strongly that my HOD favours another colleague and wants to give her opportunities. The favoured continues to get favour. I guess I feel sad about this too, and it has only strengthened my resolve to apply for a transfer next year. Long overdue, I tell myself.

Been thinking if I should share my story on social media. Would things be better? People might sympathise and be angry on my behalf but..would anything actually get done? Do I really have to question MOE on social media and ask if things have been fair? I think about what might happen and honestly, don't have high hopes that I'd be compensated in any way.

And then there are gonna be people who ask why I didn't transfer earlier. I did think about it almost every year.

2018: too early to trf. I was given the option by MOE to do so at the EOY but my then VP gave me the letter after the deadline

2019: So much happened that I asked P if I could go in May. He persuaded me to stay. And after ranking, told me that I should go somewhere new cause the KPs said unfavourable things about me. But it was too late. Appn period was over. He apologized. And I somehow felt peace about staying (on hindsight, was that a pseudo sense of peace? I really don't know) + a Christian colleague told me "the devil wants you to go, but God wants you to stay".

2020: mental health was at its worst. I guess being in a toxic environment really took its toll on me. I wanted out of the ranking system. I couldn't go on and had to take NPL for 4 months. Missed the appn period for transferring yet again.

2022: had in mind to trf again cause I wasn't getting a role I wanted even tho I've requested for it a few times. Was really, really considering to do it in 2023.

2023: looked through the open postings and narrowed down to some but nearing the end of the deadline, I spoke to a colleague I'm doing a proj w and she said my idea is v good. So since we have the base in this school, I thought I would stay to see to its completion. 

Other pros I listed:

- a class I really like
- my preferred level
- a v good coform
- good RO (next year's one also confirmed alr)
- nice level colleagues I'm comfortable with
- nice SLs (that VP left)

Applying next year would mean I have to stay on till next year end. That'd make it 7 years in this school. Number of completion isn't it. It's high time I move on after that. Anyway said project didn't really take off. It's v raw I feel. Also heard my proj partner thought of leaving. Coform too. Plus I'd have completed the full 2 years with my current class. And dept has plans for me which I'm not keen on. 

Found smth I shared w someone before:

"Boils down to opportunities. Being in a new environment where people don't have any preconceived notions of me may help me grow more!"

I really have more than enough reasons to leave and start again. I wish I did earlier because as a BT I would have been given a mentor (in the new school). I can only hope that I will be treated kindly and get the support I need. People who believe in me, see my potential and really nurture me.

 V v upset.

I haven't cried in a long time. Was talking to mummy about wanting to leave the school. Cause I was just thinking about how I'm just given the tasks nobody else wants to do/ how I'm still stuck at the same grade when everyone else has alr been promoted long ago.

It's certainly not fair. When those in power can see your potential but just refuse to give you the recognition because they just have smth against you. For years. 5 YEARS.

I should have left earlier. Really should have. If I went to somewhere else my mental health wouldn't have been affected so much. 

委屈 😞

What if I'm no longer who you think I am?

Today I teared when I watched my ex-students (now P6) performing on stage. Is it cause:

1. I recall the good times we had tgt (some of the best memories I had)

2. I didn't get to keep to my word of having a class performance with them

3. How things have changed..and they no longer treat me like they used to..

I guess it's a combination of everything..watching them today reminded me of how I watched them rehearse for the CNY celebration in 2019 (cause they wanted me to be there)..they may never know this but they truly impacted me more than they think.

One sweet girl from that class got me to sign on her PE shirt that she brought to school today. The rest of the signatures belonged to her friends. Honoured that she wanted a parting "souvenir" from me.

Ah 3A.

I keep wondering if I'd have been able to teach them well for 2 years if things didn't go awry..to be honest, I think I would have. Sad that so much happened and affected me so much emotionally and mentally. I suffered and so did my kids.

For the first 7/8 months I hardly shouted at them. And we were so close. But by the 2nd semester I wasn't planning my lessons properly cause I wasn't exactly in a good mental space. And so the dynamics started changing. It showed. They got noisier and I felt like I was losing control. My kids started misbehaving a lot..I remember once I got one of them to stay back to talk to him after school cause he ..and he begrudgingly told me "you shouted"..it broke me on the inside..I wanna be the teacher who never raises my voice to gain control..but I failed. I told my kids I was having a hard time. But they were too young to understand. Perhaps they never will. And will just remember me as the teacher who failed to keep to her word and didn't walk the talk. I told them not to shout but I did it.

Maybe I never really forgave myself for that. Today when I saw that same boy he didn't really want to talk to me. Made me think he's still upset about what happened though I apologized. How I wish he knows I am too.

Am I in a better space now mentally? I guess. But I have questions I don't have answers to. I exist without knowing my specific purpose/ calling in life. I thought I knew, but I thought wrong. In a bid to try to keep it out of my mind, I told myself all I wanna do is to teach better next year. Without a care for anything else. Just teach well for 1 year and see where it leads me. Hopefully I won't have to go through all the drama and office politics again. I'll ask to leave the school if it happens. And this time, I'll stand firm on my decision.

Stop looking back, I tell myself.

It's been too long a time to be stuck in rewind..time to look forward.

In early 2018, I wouldn't have known that it'd end that way..so it could be the same now..I don't know how 2021 will end. So look forward..I may be surprised by what happens. But things may remain stagnant if I keep looking back. So, look forward. Trust that things would end up better than I think. Exceedingly, abundantly, more than I can imagine.

✨

a world filled with love

a world filled with love..

where there is no discrimination, injustice or apathy..

a world filled with love,

one without sorrow, hate or pain

a world filled with love,

where kindness abounds everywhere

a world filled with love,

where hungry, thirsty, lonely, empty souls are filled with genuine joy 

this is the world I want to live in.

is it yours too? 💛

on rest.

Just gonna be straight up honest here. The struggle is real. No struggle, not real. Really. Even after all the reflections in the previous post, I still do struggle. And I think I've been beating myself up over it cause.."why you know but still like that????"..so ya but really, knowledge not = application..let alone the fact that knowledge not = constant application. Sigh.. I think that's smth I had been expecting myself to do. Which is too much for me..actually..come to think of it..it will be too much for anyone..

Dislike how hard I am on myself but that just creates a vicious cycle..hah goodness..as usual, my ways of coping w stress: food and phone. And Father. All the /f/ hahaha (thanks phonics). Last one the best. And I think I gotta remember that He doesn't expect me to apply all that I know all the time too.. that's just not gonna happen until I reach heaven. Lol. Cause all the time means..really no room for error! But we are imperfect..hahah

So..it hasn't been restful lately. Still awake tho I've got lessons later (ya hol lessons..dazwhy feel like no holiday 😢)..but actually I've a lot to thank God for.....

• this week's lessons are planned by my colleagues..so I don't have to worry..and even if I don't do it so well, they are not gonna scold me (in their hearts I don't know got scold or not la......haha) and they did take my suggestions..🥺

• JW who went out to get food for me cause I was so stressed and didn't feel like going down

• A who talked to me for 2 hours straight ytd (and replies my messages) even tho she probably had tons of other things to do.. I think I would have gone crazy without the nice people God put in my life..really..

keep it simple

Been learning what it means to..

- work for God/ His business

- be still

- rest in Him

- have joy and peace that transcends understanding

- enjoy God (& more than anything else)

Basically..it all links..when we rest in His love/ promises in every situation (i.e. trust Him fully instead of fighting battles on our own), we are still and close to Him (which gives us joy and peace!)..and in doing so, we are actually working for Him/ doing His work cause He works through our surrender for His kingdom. So in essence, as we rest, He works.

Hahaha sounds countercultural and counterintuitive right. But that's His style. Always going against societal norms cause He doesn't favour the status quo hahaha

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28‭-‬30 MSG

💛 that God is never stressed and never in a rush..the calmest and coolest 💛 I can sleep through any storm..because He can calm any storm 😌

So there remains a [full and complete] Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has once entered His rest has also rested from [the weariness and pain of] his [human] labors, just as God rested from [those labors uniquely] His own.

Hebrews 4:9‭-‬10 AMP

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will remain secure and rest in the shadow of the Almighty [whose power no enemy can withstand].

Psalms 91:1 AMP

Humans complicate, God simplifies..let's keep it simple 😌 dear God..may we know how much You love us so that we would really rest and not strive/ stress ourselves out anymore..💛

the root/ my weakness/ what God has been teaching me (Part 2!)

So..been thinking a lot about self-worth/self-esteem, fears, human nature and God's truth in trying to make sense of what has happened..

And thank God for what He revealed..here goesssss!

The greatest fear is the fear of not being accepted. It was the first fear Man had ever known and it has continued to plague all of mankind throughout history cause we were wired for connection by nature. And this fear is the cause of pride/self-centredness. See, if we are not afraid of whether or not we are accepted by ourselves/ others, we wouldn't focus on doing things to be so..

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [money, possessions, fame, status, or whatever is valued more than the Lord].

- Matthew 6:24 AMP

So, we're either following God/ ourselves (our own desires/ interests)..

And this means that there's only 1 other thing we can worship - ourselves. One may say that there are others..like money/ other people (because we care about what they think)..but actually..we are the ones who decided to do that due to our own desire for acceptance/ approval (including our own). So in essence, we are caring about what WE think..so who are we really following then? Ourselves. In our natural sinful state, we consider ourselves god..

In other words..we're either following God's heart/ our own hearts........

Source: Cru

We are either self-centred/ God-centred.

That is why we can know, believe and even experience that we're loved by God and still not be satisfied because WE have decided in our hearts that something else is more important than that. For example, even something holy-sounding like feeling/ experiencing His presence which resulted from thinking that "if God loves me, then I *should* feel His presence and hear Him".. But who decided that? I did. Or,  "I don't think God should love me because I'm such a sinner".. then we are just playing judge.. and again, we are the ones who decided to put ourselves in that position. That means such mentalities are borne out of self-centredness - when God doesn't fulfill our expectations/ desires and we get angry, it means we have made our expectations/ desires greater than His (i.e. deemed ourselves more important than God). But it also means..we were still fearful that we are not accepted by God in some way too.. cause we are all driven by our beliefs which are undergirded by love or fear..

So.. let's revise that statement..

We are either driven by fear/ by love.

Since it's in our nature to be fearful, we'd naturally seek to fulfill our human desire for self-esteem. Our very nature is our weakness and the root cause of our misery on Earth. Which is why the greatest lie is that we are not accepted unless we meet certain conditions. It was the first lie man knew and all the lies we are susceptible to believing are simply variations of it. The first/ greatest lie led to the first/greatest fear which led to the first sin. Sadly, we fall into the trap all too often and constantly evaluate ourselves over and over and our self-esteem fluctuates according to how we judge ourselves.. So how do we get out of this? The only way out is to not fear at all.

And that can only happen when we really know God's love.. cause the more we know Him, the more we'd believe in Him and the easier it would be to put our fears aside.. We'd find that in Him, we are accepted no matter what and realise there's no need for us to fear anymore :')

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear, because fear involves [the expectation of divine] punishment, so the one who is afraid [of God’s judgment] is not perfected in love [has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God’s love].

1 John 4:18 AMP

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

1 John 3:19-20 NIV

And so..He doesn't condemn us..because He understands our weakness completely.. :'))

For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and understand our weaknesses and temptations, but One who has been tempted [knowing exactly how it feels to be human] in every respect as we are..

Hebrews 4:15 AMP

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you ^a free from the law of sin and death.

◄ Romans 8:1-2 ►

:'))) Still grasping and taking hold of this amazing truth..since God already accepts us because of Jesus, then we really don't have to fear/ judge ourselves anymore.. We are free from our innate fears and strong desire to judge/ esteem ourselves.. 

Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Romans 6:14 NLT

https://bible.com/bible/116/rom.6.14.NLT

Really, the Christian life is just reliving the gospel over and over again - remembering that Jesus has received God's judgement on our behalf ONCE AND FOR ALL and the verdict is fixed! Nothing good or bad we do can ever change that so we really don't have to be scared/ judge ourselves anymore! When we keep remembering this, we stop being stressed/ scared and feel true freedom! 😃

It was for this freedom that Christ set us free [completely liberating us]; therefore KEEP STANDING FIRM and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery [which you once removed]. (...) But I say, walk HABITUALLY in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do. (...) Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. - Galatians 5:1, 16‭-‬17 AMP, 24‭-‬25 NLT

But since what we would naturally do and what God does are in conflict, we would only completely stop struggling when we are out of this world. We might fear again but let's keep in mind that God loves us so much that He sent Jesus to stand on our behalf in His courtroom who has redeemed for us the lifetime pass of His love..

For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten ([a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.

John 3:16 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows).

John 10:10 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)

Really.. Christian = Christ i a n = without Christ, I am nothing.. 

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.  - John 15:4‭-‬5 NLT 

We can't get the right fruit if we are not at the right vine.. even if we are, we can't get the fruit by plucking it and putting it on ourselves (that's through our own efforts - and even if we somehow manage to and have some semblance of the fruit, it would rot someday). The fruit is naturally produced if we stay on the vine.. when we believe in Jesus, we are placed on it..and when we remember that He would never condemn us because of His love, we would stay there and not go back to being fearful.. this means we will continually experience Him when we realise just how much He loves us.. 

Through Him we also have access by faith into this [remarkable state of] grace in which we [firmly and safely and securely] stand. Let us rejoice in our hope and the confident assurance of [experiencing and enjoying] the glory of [our great] God [the manifestation of His excellence and power].

While we were still helpless [powerless to provide for our salvation], at the right time Christ died [as a substitute] for the ungodly. Now it is an extraordinary thing for one to willingly give his life even for an upright man, though perhaps for a good man [one who is noble and selfless and worthy] someone might even dare to die. But God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Therefore, since we have now been justified [declared free of the guilt of sin] by His blood, [how much more certain is it that] we will be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, it is much more certain, having been reconciled, that we will be saved [from the consequences of sin] by His life [that is, we will be saved because Christ lives today]. Not only that, but we also rejoice in God [rejoicing in His love and perfection] through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received and enjoy our reconciliation [with God].

- Romans 5:2, 6‭-‬11 AMP

This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord. Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

- Ephesians 3:11-‬12‭, ‬16‭-‬20 NLT

So may we know His love so well that we'd not be blinded by any fear/ lie.. now and forevermore!! ✨✨✨ In Jesus name, amen 😌💛💛💛

//edited in June 2020

// NTS

"Wholesome self-esteem is the conviction that one is as worthwhile as anyone else, but not more so. On one hand, we feel a quiet gladness to be who we are and a sense of dignity that comes from realizing that we share what all humans possess — intrinsic worth. On the other hand, those with self-esteem remain humble, realizing that everyone has much to learn and that we are all really in the same boat."

We'd like to be without our weaknesses....but that's what makes us real. And therefore relatable..and that's what can make our ministry more effective because we can empathize with others.

// Revisiting quotes I came across long long ago....

"There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. […] There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. […] The vice I am talking of is Pride or Self-Conceit: and the virtue opposite to it, in Christian morals, is called Humility." - C. S. Lewis

"An idol is anything more important to you than God. Anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God. Anything you seek to give you what only God can give. Anything that is so central and essential to your life, that should lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living."

“If I have that, then I will feel like my life has meaning. Then I’ll know I have value. And I’ll feel significant and secure.”

“Counterfeit gods come in structures…sin in our hearts affects our basic motivational drives. Some people are strongly motivated by influence and power, while others are motivated by approval or appreciation. Some want emotional and physical comfort than anything else. Others want security and the control of their environment. People with the deep idol of power, do not mind being unpopular to gain influence. People who are most motivated by approval are the opposite. They’ll gladly lose power and control as long as everyone thinks well of them. Each deep idol, power, approval, comfort or control generates a different set of fears and hopes. Surface idols are things like money, spouse, children, through which our deep idols seek fulfillment. We’re often superficial in the analysis of our idol structures, for example money can be a surface idol that serves to satisfy more foundational influences. Some people want lots of money as a way to control their world and life, and such people usually don’t spend much money and they live very modestly. They keep it all safely saved and invested so that they can feel completely save in the world. Others want money for access to social circles and to make themselves beautiful and attractive. These people do spend their money on themselves in lavish ways. Other people want money because it gives them so much power over others. In every case, money functions as an idol, and yet because of various deep idols it results in very different patterns of behavior. The person using money to serve a deep idol of control will often feel superior to others and use money to obtain power or social approval. In every case however, money idolatry slaves and distorts lives.” - interesting analogy using money. But motivations stem from beliefs..which come from the heart..which is deceitful above all things..and so we go back to square one..or do we? Haha unless we go back to God ;)

“If you ask for something that you don’t get…you may become sad and disappointed, then you go on. Those are not your functional masters. But when you pray and hope for something and you don’t get it and you respond with explosive anger or deep despair, then you may have found your real god.”

“You may know about the love of Christ with your head, but not your heart. How can that be remedied? This takes spiritual disciplines. Spiritual disciplines are forms of worship. And it is worship that is the final way to replace the idols of your heart. You can’t just get relief by figuring out your idols intellectually. You have to actually get the peace that Jesus gives…and that only comes when you worship. Analysis can help you discover truths, but then you have to pray them into your heart. That takes time.”

- Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods

“We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance, and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity - all of these things serve as our heart’s ‘functional trust’ rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and a lack of self-control. You cannot change such things through mere willpower, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. That is how we grow.” 

- Timothy Keller, The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith

“God has placed dreams, gifts and talents in every single one of you.

Why would God call Singapore the Antioch of Asia if there was no one to fulfil that call? There are dreams that God has placed in you that will come true in spite of our failures as long as we allow Him to work.

But are you willing to surrender yourself as a vessel for Him to fulfil those dreams?”
- https://thir.st/blog/god-has-placed-a-dream-inside-of-you-jason-wong-fopx/

"..it takes sheer determination to fulfil your destiny.

If you need a reminder of this truth, just look at Jesus, said Roland. Even though His ultimate destiny was the Cross, Jesus, too, prayed the night before His death: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me…” (Luke 22:42).

That was essentially Jesus saying “God, I don’t want to do this,” Roland pointed out. This was the man with one assignment, one mission and one destiny – and yet He too asked for a way out.

“Jesus shows us you can pray these kind of prayers. But Jesus says after that… ‘yet not my will, but yours be done.'”

“The pressure of your destiny can lead you to reject it,” shared Roland, confessing that there have been times when he felt that his calling was just too much to handle, moments when he simply didn’t want to preach.

The life of Jesus shows us something: There is someone who is depending on you to be who you need to be – and they need you to be determined. Who’s connected to your destiny? Who’s connected to your calling?

“If the enemy can’t keep you from being saved, he’ll keep you from operating in your destiny,” said Roland. “The devil will say: ‘I want them to compromise in their purity, the way they talk about people… Because if they compromise, they’ll never walk in the calling that they have.’

“What happens to so many people is they give in. Let me urge you: Don’t give in,” he stressed. “Run if you have to. Joseph did it – he ran from Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39). Sometimes in your life you’ve just got to run. Don’t allow the devil to win in your life.”

Roland said: “It’s hard being a holy man and woman of God. It gets hard being encouraging to other people who are mean to you. It gets hard being aware that God can use you despite of your insecurities. But you need to make this decision. Don’t give in to your dark side.”
- https://thir.st/blog/your-destiny-has-a-dark-side-fopx-tyshone-roland/

“When God tells you to do something, He’s not asking you to figure out how to do it. It’s up to you to obey. It’s up to God to do it.”
- https://thir.st/blog/fopx-surrender-ushers-supernatural-ben-fitzgerald-urges-youth/

“It’s okay if you’ve done everything that you know how to do – read your Bible, prayed, fasted, worshipped – and all you can do left is stand. That is enough.”
- https://thir.st/blog/stay-where-you-are-even-if-you-cant-find-jesus-tyshone-roland-at-fopx-go-conference/

"Once we take hold of our God-given identity, we need to yield fully to His call and purpose. To surrender fully to God’s call is to withhold nothing and allow Him to take and use our lives in whatever way He sees fit. This requires us to acknowledge that our strength comes from God alone.
The only resource that’s of use to us is being close to the Father."
- https://thir.st/blog/fopx-making-2020-your-year-of-the-impossible/

lest I forget

I've a loving family..loving relatives who care (it's just that I don't really tell them how I really feel hah)..though we might not meet much..these are blessings that not everyone has..

Haha lately it seems I've been reminded of what I'm good at/ my positive traits by others (who do it unknowingly)..and thank God for these reminders cause I've been thinking actually does it really matter if I'm here or not hahaa okay I know it sounds morbid but just putting my honest thoughts out here okay & cause one of the things that has been on my mind is that I'm a v boring person cause I hardly travel but I guess it's because past travel exp have shown me that I don't necessarily feel happier overseas; I have felt my happiest and most relaxed in SG and hence don't see the need to travel..haha it's possible that I see the most beautiful scenery/ go somewhere I've always wanted to go to and yet not feel happy and that'd be a shame right haha guess there's an element of fear there..cause been there done that..mmmm unearthing the feelings that made me the way I am......

Anyway, the reminders have been:

- gamemaster

- don't take plastic bags when I dabao/ buy groceries

- can converse in dialect

- gentle (in my grandfather's eyes ah..hahha which surprised me kinda cause the incident which happened in 2015 def didn't give that impression haha but I guess this again shows that it's really possible to put smth big behind completely and not harbour any negative feelings towards the people involved)

- enjoy coding/ learnt how to code on my own..enjoy creating and figuring out how things work

Thank You God for reminding me that I am special.. :')

🌪️

https://twloha.com/blog/untimely-depression-and-the-guilt-that-goes-along-with-it/

Wah..so I'm not alone..

- those who've (overly) high expectations of themselves/ are perfectionists are the ones most prone to depression

- mental health >>>> impt than physical health..if I had to choose, I'd rather be mentally healthy than physically healthy..

- if there's any +ve that came out of these 2 years, it's that I truly understand what it's like..

Honestly haven't really been okay.....feels like I made a big mistake I shouldn't have made....and I think it's really when I feel unmotivated that the mistakes abound.. :(((((( may God's grace abound in this time too.........

I'm so sorry God.......don't even know how I'm gonna move on from here.......only You can..

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His answer to me..in an article I came across..

My grace is sufficient for you. — 2 Corinthians 12:9

Whatever you face — temptations, trials, opposition — God will give you His grace, and His grace will be sufficient for you to overcome.

+

Read smth I wrote in my notes last Apr..

"When you don't do it, just come back to Me and know my love once again. Don't fret (be constantly or visibly anxious) about it."

PLUS I don't need to worry "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." — Philippians 2:13

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;  for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
- Psalm 103:13‭-‬14 NIV

Dear God, help me act wisely (and courageously).

"Like a shepherd, the Lord longs to protect you, provide for you, guide you, rescue you, and comfort you..

Our good Shepherd longs to have His goodness and love… follow [us] all the days of [our] life. — Psalm 23:6" 💛

- https://www.faithgateway.com/the-hope-of-jesus

🎢

Yes, yes it's possible.

To go all the way down, and then go high up, and then down again......but it can go up again..! Life's a rollercoasterrrrr.

Think 2018 & 2019 = years of trial and error.

"Don't let failure go to your heart and don't let success go to your head"

Dear God, help me remember this. On the bright side, good to learn this (first part last year, 2nd part this year) early on. Haha painful lessons for both but yeah probably necessary for the future.

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Changes the past few months:
- no longer think people can be categorized by MBTI

- no longer have the desire to go to Somalia......& thus...

(fighting against my own ambivalence)

- no longer feel the need to have 1 rest day where I don't go out at all?? In fact I can't remember when I last stayed home the entire day without feeling bored at all......

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"Every master was once a beginner"

Beginner's mindset!

"Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you. Not the worst."

Amen. Dear God, help me do it again, this time, with so much more self-control than before. With Your wisdom and grace. Let anger, bitterness, doubt and pride not take root no matter what happens.

"There are those who think themselves called to humility by the Christian faith, and by this understand that to mean adopting a life of oppression, humiliation, and suffering. There are those who think that because they are called to be humble, they must remain under the rule of violent and oppressive spouses, bosses, and rulers, who think that anything but demure self-effacement is to violate their calling to humility.

But this is not humility!"

Lesson to learn.....hmmmmm..

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Something must be wrong if the fluctuations happen way too often..right? I wish I'm stronger than this..but smth in me tells me that I've already been so strong.........I'm just tired..haha I think I've been so impatient with myself..Just keep picking at the wound that hasn't healed..it takes time...it takes time.....

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Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:5 NIV

"..a conflict in which an individual is unable to control or influence circumstances. Typical human responses in such circumstances include frustration, bitterness, or anger, but the one who is guided by God's spirit accepts God's ability to direct events (Gal 5:23 ; Eph 4:2 ; Col 3:12 ; 1 Tim 6:11 ; Titus 3:2 ; James 1:21 ; 3:13). Meekness is therefore an active and deliberate acceptance of undesirable circumstances that are wisely seen by the individual as only part of a larger picture.

Meekness is not a resignation to fate, a passive and reluctant submission to events, for there is little virtue in such a response."

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature together with its passions and appetites. If we [claim to] live by the [Holy] Spirit, we must also walk by the Spirit [with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit]. We must not become conceited, challenging or provoking one another, envying one another.

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To feel excited waking up each morning - that must have been a luxury. Because up until now, I miss it so much. It was me for the first 4 months this year. And then it left. And I keep trying..trying..and trying to "get it back" but to no avail..and now I realise..it's not "normal" because most people don't feel that way......most days. And so I shouldn't expect so much......it's normal not to feel excited every day. It's completely normal. Don't push yourself so hard...just to recreate that feeling....feelings are deceptive......I'm just blessed to have had it for that period of time. Tho I really do miss having such a strong sense of purpose......God help me move on......can't go on like this......

Grace

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."
2 Corinthians 3:5 NIV

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again"...

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this same attitude in yourselves which was in Christ Jesus [look to Him as your example in selfless humility], who, although He existed in the form and unchanging essence of God [as One with Him, possessing the fullness of all the divine attributes—the entire nature of deity], did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped or asserted [as if He did not already possess it, or was afraid of losing it]; but emptied Himself [without renouncing or diminishing His deity, but only temporarily giving up the outward expression of divine equality and His rightful dignity] by assuming the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men [He became completely human but was without sin, being fully God and fully man].
PHILIPPIANS 2:3‭-‬7 AMP

"Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me"..

How can I claim to know of God's grace unless I demonstrate it myself? - question I've been asking myself. Dear God, help me live a life that shows Your grace.

---

爱了就别伪装
迷失了也别彷徨
不管未来怎样
你都要保持坚强

如果明天你的心
依然还在流浪
我愿意承受这份爱
陪着你
打造一片天地

我的世界从此以后多了一个你
每天都是一出戏
无论情节浪漫或多离奇
这主角
是你

我的世界从此以后多了一个你
有时天晴有时雨
阴天时候我会告诉你
我爱你
胜过彩虹的美丽

#Daddyslove :')

Carry Me, Daddy

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

Passion over all

🎆🌻

Living with God

 "While I am here, I will be a child at home with my God; the whole world shall be his house to me; and when I ascend into the upper chamber I shall not change my company, nor even change the house; I shall only go to dwell in the upper storey of the house of the Lord forever."