I didn't get in, again.

Hello world, I just got the letter today. THE letter from NTU. Says the same thing as the one they sent the year before. I'm pretty okay with it. Mentally ran through the possible scenarios in my head before I opened it. Let's go back to when I first got the message while I was still at work..

At 7.58PM..

Mummy: Dear you have a letter from NTU!! Shall I open?

When I saw this, so many thoughts went through my mind..wow does that mean I got accepted?? Cause they said the results would be out by the end of May and I recall that I got the letter after May last year (or was it during May? I can't really remember) so I was so excited and nervous at the same time! I've been secretly praying that I'd get in this year..been checking the admissions website every day though it's always the same thing I see..but I kept telling myself..maybe no news is good news..just keep hoping and praying..but then after all that hype, i thought of..THE OTHER OUTCOME..suddenly my heart started to beat slower, my hands felt less cold..I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be too disappointed when I see the letter..after all, my grades are the same cause I didn't retake..but still, I held onto a glimmer of hope..maybe, just maybe, because of Mr Poh's recommendation letter and because I wrote about my RT experience in the essay, the judges decided to let me in this time round? And so my reply was..

"REALLY!! Wait ah.."

I wanted to check the admissions website..though I already checked it in the afternoon..I thought, since they have sent a letter, maybe the result would be shown on the website now? And so I went..using my phone, i pressed on the email icon, scrolled to "Starred" (I starred the email so I can go back to it easily) and opened the email..then as usual, I copied my admission number, clicked on the link and entered the website. Pasted the number, keyed in my IC no and logged on..

Nothing changed. It still said "We have received your application". No semblance of whether I have been accepted or rejected..hopeful side of me: okay..maybe they haven't updated the website..no news is still good news.. however, I knew that slowly but surely, the fact that I might not be successful again this year started to sink in deep..I messaged mummy again..

"The admissions website doesn't say anything leh..you open lor!"

And after a short while, she replied, "Ok"

I reminded the colleague that said she'd be going home with me today (for the first time!) that it was already 8 and she said to give her 5 minutes..at that point of time, I really didn't wanna think of the outcome..kept praying and committing everything to God..I don't wanna think about it..at least not when I'm still at least an hour away from home..not now, if it's not good..not now..

Then when she was finally done, we left together and when we reached the traffic light, she asked "so you're from poly?" haha must have thought so cause I'm not in Uni now..can't escape the topic, can I? Haha so I told her everything! And that was when I realised I was really quite worried about the result cause at the end after telling her I applied for NIE again this year, I blurted, "and my mummy just told me that I got a letter from NTU!! I don't know what's the result yet.." then after that she told me her poly friend got in and it shouldn't be that hard to get into it..my first response was.."her GPA was quite good?" and she nodded. Turns out that she actually got into NTU too but because of financial problems, she rejected the offer..

Well well..fast forward..didn't check my phone again till I reached the escalator then I told her I think my mummy replied but I don't dare to check..so I took out my phone slowly and opened the messaged even more slowly..

"You left office?"

That's the only thing she said. Whew. At least she didn't drop any bomb haha and so I thought..there's still hope! I replied "Yea going back now..why?" and "Should I go home and see?"

Then I resumed the conversation with my colleague..speaking of which it's really cool cause I think God planned that she'd go home together with me today so that I'd be distracted and not be too worried about the result..and she stays further from the office than I do so I won't even have time to think of it cause we'd be talking haha so yea God is so thoughtful! =D

During our conversation, we found out that we shared quite a number of similarities!! She was from NYP, I was from AJ, we both alight at YCK for school! Haha and the best part is..she was from PHS as well! And we graduated in the same year!! I was really shocked cause she's a year older than me then I found out that she studied for 5 years! Then we started talking about teachers we know..haha isn't that cool?? Actually when she told me she's going home with me today, I was quite scared so I prayed that we'd have things to talk about cause I don't want any awkward silences!! So yea thank God!! He answered my prayer!! Haha =D

I only checked my phone when I reached my stop..mummy said "I open and see first..". To which I replied, "Okay I'm reaching home".

And on the way home, the different scenarios kept running through my mind..haha God really knows me well..thank God for the "diversion" on the train or I might have become pretty stressed about it!! Haha thank God I live near the MRT so those thoughts couldn't stay with me for long!

First thing Mummy said to me when I reached was "Go and take your dinner first"..I wondered if she's keeping the suspense (if it's a piece of good news) or making sure I eat before I find out (if it's a bad news cause she's worried I wouldn't eat if that was the case)..so anyway, with these thoughts in mind, I took my dinner..didn't rush through it at first but towards the very end, Mummy seemed to have noticed that I was finishing dinner soon so she went to place where the letters are usually placed while still keeping her eyes on the TV, maybe to make sure I wouldn't suspect a thing haha but mummy, I saw it! I saw it all! And I really want to thank you for being so thoughtful!! :')

Then the moment came, I picked up the letter and walked into my room while opening it..Mummy quietly followed..then she closed the door behind her and took the letter from my hands and asked enthusiastically "ARE YOU EXCITED?" with big eyes haha "is this a good thing?" I thought..then she asked "ARE YOU NERVOUS?" now, I could answer this one..I replied meekly, "yeaa" then she passed the letter back to me and watched me unfold it..couldn't comprehend what I was reading at first..it seemed like the words were jumping around on the piece of paper..but then I got it..I didn't get in, again.

Mummy hugged me and said many things to console me, as she usually does. Haha but I told her "it's okay..I was mentally prepared for the different scenarios already" haha so yup! I'm fine! Thank God! =D

Thoughts came into my mind again..seems like other people who got better grades than I do have it easier..they got in..even if teaching isn't their dream, even if they decided on the route because it's a "stable job"..how come things are harder to achieve when you really want it? IT'S MY DREAM TO BE A TEACHER YET I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE LONGER AND HARDER WAY TO ACHIEVE IT. WHY IS IT EASIER FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY WANT TO TEACH YET HAVE GOOD GRADES?? GOOD GRADES = CAN TEACH WELL? Isn't passion the most important thing? There is no guarantee that I'll be a teacher in the future because I still have to go through one year of contract teaching and see if the principal recommends me to study the diploma at NIE the following year. I'll be under probation. Things are not confirmed. I've waited for more than a year. Applied for the diploma last year as well but I didn't get any email or call. I felt so disappointed. Then this year they told me my grades got mixed up in their system..not sure if that's the reason why I wasn't contacted last year.

BUT ANYWAY, I'm fine with things now. At least I've got something this year. Those in NIE might not survive long as a teacher BUT I AM DETERMINED TO SURVIVE AND SURVIVE WELL. I'M NOT GONNA GIVE UP AFTER WAITING SO LONG TO FULFILL MY DREAM. To other people, teaching may just be something they do to put the rice on the table but for me, I'M GONNA BE MORE THAN THAT. I'm gonna give my very best because I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH. I've had enough of being left out of the system just because my grades don't make the cut. I'M GONNA BE A LIVING EXAMPLE AND SHOW MY STUDENTS IT IS POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM AND LIVE IT AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GIVE UP, NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THE GOING MIGHT BE.

NIE, you might have rejected me twice but I thank you because it is because of your rejection that I am determined to do EVEN BETTER than I planned on doing. Thank you for making me a stronger person. If I do get in someday to study for a degree in education, my aim is to learn as much as I can and do very well so that I'll be the best teacher for my students!!

I am not defeated. Still holding on, still gonna go on. This is not the end. This is only the beginning. And God will be with me all the way! Woohoo! =D

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

(Psalm 46:1-5 NIV)

The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1 NIV)

Thank you if you've read everything! I love writing, it really helps me to sort out my thoughts! Haha last but not least, God bless, take care and byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! =D