for the rest of my life, I want the rest of my life

该放就放

再想也没有用

傻傻等待

他也不会。。

--

今夜的风有点奇怪
吹不散乌云的期待
就像正在等待的我
My babe oh

早班的飞机还不来
何时能降落在我的怀中
夹杂的是哪一种脆弱

每当世界不讲道理
每当天气还没有放晴。。

God it's so hard to keep my eyes up. Things don't make sense. I don't know how long more I can wait..😢

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

Really? I think I should give up tho. It's been way too long.

Why am I now not content w just having You? 😞

--

I don't know why God would want to give me someone who doesn't care about me..or how I feel..and that makes me really...sad....😢😢😢

You want someone who is always doing smth for God. I just wanna enjoy God all the time; not be preoccupied w the doing. 🙂

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1206199211168034/posts/1291578055963482/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIJNn5ANaXV/

31 May. Been sick for a week and imylc.

Someone asked me how I am today. I haven't replied cause I haven't really sorted my emotions out. So here I am.

Met my RO who couldn't give me an absolute answer if I'd be promoted next year. It's been 6 years. He said P said it's not right and would check with HR if I'm still not promoted. Nice to know but..doesn't P always decide who gets promoted? Don't they know the promotion list long before it's out? I guess I'll only have my answers when I get to talk to him.

And then after school, during the dept meeting, I felt very strongly that my HOD favours another colleague and wants to give her opportunities. The favoured continues to get favour. I guess I feel sad about this too, and it has only strengthened my resolve to apply for a transfer next year. Long overdue, I tell myself.

Been thinking if I should share my story on social media. Would things be better? People might sympathise and be angry on my behalf but..would anything actually get done? Do I really have to question MOE on social media and ask if things have been fair? I think about what might happen and honestly, don't have high hopes that I'd be compensated in any way.

And then there are gonna be people who ask why I didn't transfer earlier. I did think about it almost every year.

2018: too early to trf. I was given the option by MOE to do so at the EOY but my then VP gave me the letter after the deadline

2019: So much happened that I asked P if I could go in May. He persuaded me to stay. And after ranking, told me that I should go somewhere new cause the KPs said unfavourable things about me. But it was too late. Appn period was over. He apologized. And I somehow felt peace about staying (on hindsight, was that a pseudo sense of peace? I really don't know) + a Christian colleague told me "the devil wants you to go, but God wants you to stay".

2020: mental health was at its worst. I guess being in a toxic environment really took its toll on me. I wanted out of the ranking system. I couldn't go on and had to take NPL for 4 months. Missed the appn period for transferring yet again.

2022: had in mind to trf again cause I wasn't getting a role I wanted even tho I've requested for it a few times. Was really, really considering to do it in 2023.

2023: looked through the open postings and narrowed down to some but nearing the end of the deadline, I spoke to a colleague I'm doing a proj w and she said my idea is v good. So since we have the base in this school, I thought I would stay to see to its completion. 

Other pros I listed:

- a class I really like
- my preferred level
- a v good coform
- good RO (next year's one also confirmed alr)
- nice level colleagues I'm comfortable with
- nice SLs (that VP left)

Applying next year would mean I have to stay on till next year end. That'd make it 7 years in this school. Number of completion isn't it. It's high time I move on after that. Anyway said project didn't really take off. It's v raw I feel. Also heard my proj partner thought of leaving. Coform too. Plus I'd have completed the full 2 years with my current class. And dept has plans for me which I'm not keen on. 

Found smth I shared w someone before:

"Boils down to opportunities. Being in a new environment where people don't have any preconceived notions of me may help me grow more!"

I really have more than enough reasons to leave and start again. I wish I did earlier because as a BT I would have been given a mentor (in the new school). I can only hope that I will be treated kindly and get the support I need. People who believe in me, see my potential and really nurture me.

 V v upset.

I haven't cried in a long time. Was talking to mummy about wanting to leave the school. Cause I was just thinking about how I'm just given the tasks nobody else wants to do/ how I'm still stuck at the same grade when everyone else has alr been promoted long ago.

It's certainly not fair. When those in power can see your potential but just refuse to give you the recognition because they just have smth against you. For years. 5 YEARS.

I should have left earlier. Really should have. If I went to somewhere else my mental health wouldn't have been affected so much. 

委屈 😞