Someone asked me how I am today. I haven't replied cause I haven't really sorted my emotions out. So here I am.

Met my RO who couldn't give me an absolute answer if I'd be promoted next year. It's been 6 years. He said P said it's not right and would check with HR if I'm still not promoted. Nice to know but..doesn't P always decide who gets promoted? Don't they know the promotion list long before it's out? I guess I'll only have my answers when I get to talk to him.

And then after school, during the dept meeting, I felt very strongly that my HOD favours another colleague and wants to give her opportunities. The favoured continues to get favour. I guess I feel sad about this too, and it has only strengthened my resolve to apply for a transfer next year. Long overdue, I tell myself.

Been thinking if I should share my story on social media. Would things be better? People might sympathise and be angry on my behalf but..would anything actually get done? Do I really have to question MOE on social media and ask if things have been fair? I think about what might happen and honestly, don't have high hopes that I'd be compensated in any way.

And then there are gonna be people who ask why I didn't transfer earlier. I did think about it almost every year.

2018: too early to trf. I was given the option by MOE to do so at the EOY but my then VP gave me the letter after the deadline

2019: So much happened that I asked P if I could go in May. He persuaded me to stay. And after ranking, told me that I should go somewhere new cause the KPs said unfavourable things about me. But it was too late. Appn period was over. He apologized. And I somehow felt peace about staying (on hindsight, was that a pseudo sense of peace? I really don't know) + a Christian colleague told me "the devil wants you to go, but God wants you to stay".

2020: mental health was at its worst. I guess being in a toxic environment really took its toll on me. I wanted out of the ranking system. I couldn't go on and had to take NPL for 4 months. Missed the appn period for transferring yet again.

2022: had in mind to trf again cause I wasn't getting a role I wanted even tho I've requested for it a few times. Was really, really considering to do it in 2023.

2023: looked through the open postings and narrowed down to some but nearing the end of the deadline, I spoke to a colleague I'm doing a proj w and she said my idea is v good. So since we have the base in this school, I thought I would stay to see to its completion. 

Other pros I listed:

- a class I really like

- my preferred level

- a v good coform

- good RO (next year's one also confirmed alr)

- nice level colleagues I'm comfortable with

- nice SLs (that VP left)

Applying next year would mean I have to stay on till next year end. That'd make it 7 years in this school. Number of completion isn't it. It's high time I move on after that. Anyway said project didn't really take off. It's v raw I feel. Also heard my proj partner thought of leaving. Coform too. Plus I'd have completed the full 2 years with my current class. And dept has plans for me which I'm not keen on. 

Found smth I shared w someone before:

"Boils down to opportunities. Being in a new environment where people don't have any preconceived notions of me may help me grow more!"

I really have more than enough reasons to leave and start again. I wish I did earlier because as a BT I would have been given a mentor (in the new school). I can only hope that I will be treated kindly and get the support I need. People who believe in me, see my potential and really nurture me.

 V v upset.

I haven't cried in a long time. Was talking to mummy about wanting to leave the school. Cause I was just thinking about how I'm just given the tasks nobody else wants to do/ how I'm still stuck at the same grade when everyone else has alr been promoted long ago.

It's certainly not fair. When those in power can see your potential but just refuse to give you the recognition because they just have smth against you. For years. 5 YEARS.

I should have left earlier. Really should have. If I went to somewhere else my mental health wouldn't have been affected so much. 

委屈 😞

What if I'm no longer who you think I am?

Today I teared when I watched my ex-students (now P6) performing on stage. Is it cause:

1. I recall the good times we had tgt (some of the best memories I had)

2. I didn't get to keep to my word of having a class performance with them

3. How things have changed..and they no longer treat me like they used to..

I guess it's a combination of everything..watching them today reminded me of how I watched them rehearse for the CNY celebration in 2019 (cause they wanted me to be there)..they may never know this but they truly impacted me more than they think.

One sweet girl from that class got me to sign on her PE shirt that she brought to school today. The rest of the signatures belonged to her friends. Honoured that she wanted a parting "souvenir" from me.

Ah 3A.

I keep wondering if I'd have been able to teach them well for 2 years if things didn't go awry..to be honest, I think I would have. Sad that so much happened and affected me so much emotionally and mentally. I suffered and so did my kids.

For the first 7/8 months I hardly shouted at them. And we were so close. But by the 2nd semester I wasn't planning my lessons properly cause I wasn't exactly in a good mental space. And so the dynamics started changing. It showed. They got noisier and I felt like I was losing control. My kids started misbehaving a lot..I remember once I got one of them to stay back to talk to him after school cause he ..and he begrudgingly told me "you shouted"..it broke me on the inside..I wanna be the teacher who never raises my voice to gain control..but I failed. I told my kids I was having a hard time. But they were too young to understand. Perhaps they never will. And will just remember me as the teacher who failed to keep to her word and didn't walk the talk. I told them not to shout but I did it.

Maybe I never really forgave myself for that. Today when I saw that same boy he didn't really want to talk to me. Made me think he's still upset about what happened though I apologized. How I wish he knows I am too.

Am I in a better space now mentally? I guess. But I have questions I don't have answers to. I exist without knowing my specific purpose/ calling in life. I thought I knew, but I thought wrong. In a bid to try to keep it out of my mind, I told myself all I wanna do is to teach better next year. Without a care for anything else. Just teach well for 1 year and see where it leads me. Hopefully I won't have to go through all the drama and office politics again. I'll ask to leave the school if it happens. And this time, I'll stand firm on my decision.

Stop looking back, I tell myself.

It's been too long a time to be stuck in rewind..time to look forward.

In early 2018, I wouldn't have known that it'd end that way..so it could be the same now..I don't know how 2021 will end. So look forward..I may be surprised by what happens. But things may remain stagnant if I keep looking back. So, look forward. Trust that things would end up better than I think. Exceedingly, abundantly, more than I can imagine.

✨

a world filled with love

a world filled with love..

where there is no discrimination, injustice or apathy..

a world filled with love,

one without sorrow, hate or pain

a world filled with love,

where kindness abounds everywhere

a world filled with love,

where hungry, thirsty, lonely, empty souls are filled with genuine joy 

this is the world I want to live in.

is it yours too? 💛

on rest.

Just gonna be straight up honest here. The struggle is real. No struggle, not real. Really. Even after all the reflections in the previous post, I still do struggle. And I think I've been beating myself up over it cause.."why you know but still like that????"..so ya but really, knowledge not = application..let alone the fact that knowledge not = constant application. Sigh.. I think that's smth I had been expecting myself to do. Which is too much for me..actually..come to think of it..it will be too much for anyone..

Dislike how hard I am on myself but that just creates a vicious cycle..hah goodness..as usual, my ways of coping w stress: food and phone. And Father. All the /f/ hahaha (thanks phonics). Last one the best. And I think I gotta remember that He doesn't expect me to apply all that I know all the time too.. that's just not gonna happen until I reach heaven. Lol. Cause all the time means..really no room for error! But we are imperfect..hahah

So..it hasn't been restful lately. Still awake tho I've got lessons later (ya hol lessons..dazwhy feel like no holiday 😢)..but actually I've a lot to thank God for.....

• this week's lessons are planned by my colleagues..so I don't have to worry..and even if I don't do it so well, they are not gonna scold me (in their hearts I don't know got scold or not la......haha) and they did take my suggestions..🥺

• JW who went out to get food for me cause I was so stressed and didn't feel like going down

• A who talked to me for 2 hours straight ytd (and replies my messages) even tho she probably had tons of other things to do.. I think I would have gone crazy without the nice people God put in my life..really..